Not-Very Deep Thoughts: The March 1 Edition (HERE BE SPOILERS!)

The Clone Conspiracy Omega #1:  First, unless you're really, really invested in Rita Clarkson, the doctor who helped Ben at New U, you can skip this issue entirely.  In the aftermath of last issue, Ben tips off some angry family members to Rita's location so he can be on hand to save her life when they attack her.  In return, Rita goes all damsel-in-distress and hands Ben her IRA since he doesn't have any cash.  (Rita doesn't believe him when he admits he arranged for the guys to attack her.  Apparently doctors can be idiots.)  Shouldn't she be in jail?  Everyone is pretty clear as they're cleaning up the scene of the crime that she's in trouble.  Shouldn't they prevent her from going to her "favorite watering hole?"  At the very least, wouldn't you want to be able to prevent her from withdrawing her life savings, given she's likely a flight risk?  I guess not.  Beyond Rita's story, Slott uses the same shtick he did in the "Amazing Spider-Man" tie-in issues, filling in moments between the scenes in the main series.  The problem is these scenes still make no sense.  Peter is irate with Kaine for not telling him sooner that everyone was going to become Carrion zombies...even though I'm fairly certain he did tell him.  (Is he mad Kaine didn't tell him the clones would dissolve?  Isn't that what clones do?)  Moreover, Ben still suffers from a lack of consistent characterization, even under Peter David.  As you can see in his manipulation of Rita, he's still in full Bond-villain mode here, and I struggle to see why any of us would want to read his new title.  He isn't a nuanced villain, like Dr. Doom or Magneto.  He's as crazy as the original Jackal, and I can only tolerate him every fifty issues or so.  [Sigh.]  Meanwhile, the Rhino has all the sads, the Lizard's family turns into lizards like him, Jerry's wife is suing Peter, the Kingpin gives Peter Norman Osborn's whereabouts, yadda yadda yadda.  Who the fuck cares at this point?

Avengers #5:  I still have no idea what Waid is doing here, but it's fun to look at del Mundo's art so I guess I'll have to live with that.  People seem to love what Waid is doing.  I admit it's super-cool to see the present Avengers interact with the former teams, chosen for how they can help implement Sam's plan to take down Kang.  But, the story still makes no sense to me.  At one point, future Vision claims Sam inspired the Avengers' rallying cry when he said it in front of the original members.  If that's true, why wouldn't they themselves remember that?  Present Wasp never said to Sam, "Hey, did I ever tell you you're the guy who coined 'Avengers Assemble?'  By the way, you become Captain America at some point."  I could also talk about how it makes no sense Kang's minions can "mine" time or how it's unclear how the Avengers identified which links in Kang's billion-year long supply chain were the most essential.  But, I guess I'm just supposed to go with it.  It's like Xena said in that episode of "The Simpsons:"  if something happens that doesn't make sense, a wizard did it!  (Only, this time, the wizard is a synthezoid named Vision, at least in the latter case.)

Hawkeye #4:  OMG, Jessica Jones!  Mentor in awesomeness and private-eyeing!  Twist I did not see coming!  First things first:  frat-boy Greg was the looming figure at the end of last issue.  As suspected, he's been using the TBC stickers to prime hate, allowing him to absorb it and become, in Kate's words, a third-rate Hulk.  In possibly the best denouement of the year, Kate is able to lure him to an outdoor sing-along "Sound of Music" performance, and the positivity that comes with that causes him to de-Hulk.  (Seriously, that's just effing brilliant.  I've never seen that in comics before.  I love the idea of Thompson sitting around thinking, "OK, what's the most positive thing I can imagine?  Positive, positive, positive...")  You'd almost think everything worked out well, as Kate ends the issue happy and with her new crew in place.  Rivera even agrees she's getting a nickname!  But, then we go dark.  Greg asks to see Kate, and he mentions he should've recognized "the resemblance."  Kate believes this comment connects him to her father, and we learn she's in Los Angeles (and stalking surfer Brad) to find her father.  But, Greg blows up before he can say anything else.  (Suspicious.)  Thankfully, when Kate arrives at her apartment, Jessica is there with Brad.  Dun-dun-DUN!

Midnighter and Apollo #6:  I often struggle with violence in comic books.  Modern authors are aware of the challenge this violence presents in a way that, say, Stan Lee wasn't.  But, at some point probably every month, I have a moment where I think, "Why am I reading stories about super-powered beings beating on each other?"  But, Midnighter bottom lines it here rather nicely (and in his boxer-briefs to boot).  He tells Apollo he's going to keep on killing bad guys so people don't have to live without someone they love.  He can't imagine anything worse, after coming close to it in this adventure.  Honestly?  That's a pretty solid reason.  Moreover, we learn Apollo chose his name not because he thought of himself as a sun god, but because Apollo turned his lover Hyacinth into something better when he thought he was going to lose him.  Midnighter doesn't ask for redemption, and Apollo doesn't ask permission to give it to him.  They are who they are, and thank God they are the type of people to play sexy, half-naked chess in their apartment.  In other words?  I fucking love these two.  

Moon Knight #12:  This issue couldn't be more exciting.  Lemire and Smallwood's pacing is really spectacular.  First, we have Marc unexpectedly being joined by his alter egos in the Overvoid, who help him rescue Anput and escape with Crawley.  This entire sequence is amazing, from the smugly bemused look on handsome Steve's face to spaceman Marc facilitating their escape with his spaceship.  (Spaceship!)  It's like a great pulp film come to life.  But, it's Marc's adventures in Saudi Arabia as a mercenary that really leap off the page for their realism.  Lemire is giving us a ring-side seat to Marc's descent into darkness.  Frenchie advises him not to meet the crime lord giving them jobs, but Marc chases the money, wanting more.  When we meet the Bushman, it's clear why Frenchie was nervous.  I've always known Marc was a mercenary when he became Moon Knight, but it was always sort of a throw-away piece of information, like how Peter Parker won a science fair as a kid or something.  It was just part of the background.  But, Lemire is walking us through this period, and it's amazing to watch.  It's really a chance to get to know this character, and I feel like, in the end, I'll be able to call myself a legitimate Moon Knight fan.  That's exciting stuff right there.

Nightwing #16:  The good news is we don't get confirmation Shawn is dead here.  The bad news is the guy who seems to have kidnapped her calls himself Deathwing so her survival isn't looking so good.  The issue starts with Dick taking down a hilariously ridiculous group of criminals called the Horsemen of the Apocalypse.  Lest you think they're all cool like the X-Men's version, they're a bunch of small-time hoods wearing horse-head masks.  (Seriously.)  Dick makes short work of them.  Then, Damian appears suddenly; he's traveled from San Francisco because he's bothered by people on Twitter claiming Dick is the true heir.  He tries to challenge Dick to some sort of duel, but Shawn calls at that moment to tell Dick she may be pregnant.  Dick doesn't have patience for Damian's antics and tackles him, dismissing him as a hormonal teenager.  He picks up a pregnancy test on his way to Shawn's apartment (I'd love to know how exactly he swung that in his costume) and discovers Shawn is missing.  He's distraught just as Damian arrives, having followed him.  This next part is amazing as Damian apologizes in his way:  he tells Dick he's sorry they fought and urges Dick to apologize for being terse.  Seeley gets Damian, y'all.  At any rate, Dick leaves Damian again, but Damian finds the pregnancy test and realizes Dick is in trouble.  He meets Dick with their old Batmobile, and Dick realizes he needs help:  as Damian said, he's emotional and he's going to get himself killed without Damian.  It's touching in the way it's always touching with these guys:  it's not like they ever hug, but the love is there.  Moreover, Seeley makes it clear why Dick is going to need Damian.  As I mentioned, the perpetrator of the kidnapping is a guy named Deathwing.  We meet him at the scene of the crime Dick stopped at the start of this issue.  He's now  killed the Horsemen and the cops Dick had someone call to arrest them.  This guy is definitely playing for keeps.

Spider-Man 2099 #21:  I'll admit we have a lot going on here.  Electro 2099 is after Sonny, probably on behalf of the Fist and probably because Sonny knows something he shouldn't know.  However, he has amnesia, though it's not clear to me the Fist knows that.  Miguel manages to save Sonny and capture Electro.  He plans on interrogating Electro into telling him when the Fist attacks Times Square, and we learn it's this attack that destroys New York and allows Nueva York to be built.  However, I'm still a little confused by this revelation.  First, if Miguel knows the Fist attack creates Nueva York, then it can't be the event that altered his future; it's the event that essentially created his future.  After all, the reason he's stuck in the present is because his 2099 was eliminated.  Maybe this attack creates Roberta's 2099 not Miguel's 2099?  If so, it makes sense she knows the Fist attack that created Nueva York in her 2099.  But, again, if Miguel knows about it, it doesn't seem to be relevant to his goal of re-engineering his 2099.  In fact, he has to let it happen.  If it is the event to create the alternate future (possibly Roberta's), then we still don't know how Miguel created the Fist in the past.  Since they already exist, it implies this action-forcing event has already taken place, but it's unclear what it is.  As I said, it's a lot.

Star Wars #29:  This story has been on a slow burn, but Aaron throws some kerosene on the fire in this issue.  The concept of "stonepower" as the syncretic version of the Force has been intriguing, mostly because its practitioners could obviously learn a thing or two from Yoda.  They do so here, but it's not the lesson Yoda wanted them to learn.  After he discovers the stone the Rockhawkers prize is part of a living mountain, he re-awakens the mountain.  We learn he's the last remaining giant who used to live on this world, before the power-hungry humans reduced them to rubble.  Yoda and Garro leave the mountain as its lava (i.e., blood) starts flowing, and Garro reveals its secret to his fellow Rockhawkers as a way of getting in good with them again.  A disappointed Yoda returns to the Muckwhackers to prepare them for war, correctly predicting the Rockhawkers will send the revived mountain after the Muckwhackers .  But, Aaron kicks up the story a notch when Luke arrives on the planet in the present to learn the fate of the mountain.  (No, he didn't finish the story first.  Is that a convenient device?  Yes, yes, it is.  But, is Luke also enough of an impatient idiot to make it believable?  Yes, yes,  he is.)  An older Garro -- the man we likely saw last issue talking to Ben on Tatooine -- greets him, telling Luke he's the last of the Rockhawkers and he's going to help him end the war.  Given the body of the giant is buried in the sand next to where they're standing, I'm intrigued to see exactly how Luke is going to do that.

Also Read:  Batman #18; Champions #6

Not-Very-Deep Thoughts: The February 22 Spider-Affinity Edition (HERE BE SPOILERS!)

Amazing Spider-Man #24:  This issue just doesn't make a lick of sense, and I say that as someone who read the original Clone Saga.  Let's start at the top.  First, Ben has become so over-the-top melodramatic that a Bond villain would tell him he's trying too hard.  Seriously, he's a mustache and damsel short of being a 1920s silent-film villain.  I get we're supposed to believe Warren repeatedly murdering him drove him insane, but why did his insanity just start manifesting itself now?  What about the sensible guy we saw in the first two-thirds of this event who just wanted Peter to help him help other people?  Where'd he go?  My suspension of disbelief became even less willful when Otto steals the only perfect clone from Ben.  Otto just so happened to invent only one perfect clone, all without Ben knowing?  Ben -- with all his knowledge, as Peter, of Otto's deviousness -- never had Otto show him his plans?  Although he had the upper hand with Otto given his control of the pills he had to take, Ben was never like, "Hey, Otto, you're a crafty guy, I'm going to make sure I can access all your research and audit it daily."  I guess not.  They just don't make geniuses like they used to make 'em.  At any rate, Ben manages to get near a Webware device to access Peter's signal, forestalling his disintegration.  He retreats to his safe house, an exact replica of Aunt May's house that he had the Miles clones build for him.  (Who knew Warren was a brilliant geneticist and an expert carpenter?)  Conveniently, it means the real Warren knew where he'd go, and he's there waiting for him.  Seriously, I have no idea how it could be the "real" Warren, given how many times he's died in the past.  But "Clone Conspiracy" #5 already established some clones survived the Carrion virus, so I guess it doesn't matter if this version of Warren is a clone or the original:  suffice it to say, he's alive.  That is, he's alive until he sets Ben's perfect little house on fire and then Ben collapses it on top of him.  Ben escapes the police who converge on the house, dedicating himself to putting his past behind him.  At this stage, even if you buy the completely ridiculous series of events that gets us to this point, it's hard to see how Marvel is going to treat Ben as anything other than a totally bat-shit crazy villain.  They're also going to have to explain how he and all the other clones who survived haven't crumbled into dust, though I imagine they'll try to avoid that if they can.  Honestly, as much as I love Ben Reilly, I just don't know if I can read his new series.  The original sin of this awful event may just be too much.

Prowler #5:  As launches to a series go, it's probably not a great idea to reveal in the fifth issue that the main character you've watched whine his way through the series so far was actually a clone of the main character, meaning you won't actually see the main character until issue #6.  But, you know what?  I won't be here to see it.

Spider-Gwen #17:  OMG, this script could not have gotten more awkward if you added...well, if you added another teenager to the mix.  I mean "awkward" in the best possible way, because Latour really ups the ante when he has Ms. Marvel stumble upon Miles getting all confessionally close to Gwen.  Awesomesauce, as the kids would say.  (I'm also pretty sure Miles was delayed in following Gwen and Kamala not because dogs smelled the egg salad on his pants but because he had to...wait...for things to...simmer down.  Latour totally wanted us to think that, right?)  In terms of the plot, I feel like it's either deceptively simple or I'm missing something significant.  As I understand it, the S.I.L.K. agents, led by Earth-65 Jefferson, are trying to steal enough Earth-616 equipment and batteries to sell on their Earth to fund their own dimension-hopping watches.  But, Gwen made it sound like they needed Earth-65 Reed to build said watches.  Would he really build such a watch for S.I.L.K.?  Or, he wouldn't, and S.I.L.K. is trying to build their own watch?  But it's not going well because they don't have Reed?  And that's why they can't control the watches?  Maybe?  Eh, who cares?  More awkward adolescent adoration!

Not-Very-Deep Thoughts: The February 15 Marvel Edition (HERE BE SPOILERS!)

Captain America:  Sam Wilson #19:  This issue is painful to read because, just like Rage, we all know how it's going to end.  Sam's belief in the system is admirable, but Spencer reminds us why we are where we are as a country.  It's OK for the Americops to testify against Rage in their masks, but it's something else entirely for Sam's surveillance system to be used as evidence.  The only uplifting part of this issue is the revelation Speed Demon finally got a dog (presumably not Inspector, the dog he stole -- and eventually returned -- from the little girl in "Superior Foes of Spider-Man").  In other words, Spencer is delivering a tour de force of political and social commentary.  I'm not sure it's going to be everyone's cup of tea, but it's certain mine, and I applaud him for it.

Captain America:  Steve Rogers #11:  Based solely on the increasing number of issues of other series connected to this one, we finally seem to be getting somewhere.  Spencer mostly manages to stick the landing as Steve walks Helmut through their "new" history.  Over the course of this conversation, Spencer invites us to start asking questions I admit hadn't dawned on me before.  (It's a good sign he's really in control of this narrative.)  After all, if Zemo doesn't remember the new history -- where he and Steve were friends at HYDRAwarts -- then did it really happen?  Did Kobik change Steve's history, or did she just change Steve's memory of his history?  On the other hand, for this new history to be true, someone had to de-age Zemo; otherwise, he would be in his 90s.  Rogers alludes to someone doing exactly that, but he never reveals who did it.  Similarly, in the new history, Arnim Zola took Dr. Erskine's place as the head of Project Rebirth.  But, does everyone else know that?  These questions are important because it calls into question Helmut's state of mind at the end of the issue.  Is he pretending to believe the new history when he embraces Steve, or does he really "remember" it?  At this point, I would guess Kobik didn't re-write everyone's history, mostly because Steve doesn't seem to have a coherent view of the new world order he believes HYDRA is going to bring.  He talks about using the Chitauri invasion to wipe away the current world, which he deems wrong.  But, we still don't know what he finds so wrong about it.  What values are guiding HYDRA that will make the world better to Steve's mind?  I don't think Steve really knows.  In other words, it seems like Kobik has just brainwashed Steve to support HYDRA and made limited changes to support this outcome.  She tweaked history a bit, like putting Zola in charge of Project:  Rebirth, de-aging Zemo for reasons we still don't understand, or creating Sinclair as her agent of change.  It seems like Zemo does remember this new history if everyone "remembers" Zola as the head of Project:  Rebirth.  Spencer makes it clear this moment of revelation may be near:  Taskmaster has found a tape of Cap saying "Hail HYDRA" (and possibly showing him shoving Jack Flag out the plane).  In other words, Spencer significantly raises the tension here, as he seems to be going the route I think we all fear:  the public becoming aware of Cap's betrayal rather than Kobik eventually "correcting" his history.  At this stage, I honestly don't know which one I'd rather.

Clone Conspiracy #5:  It's hard to believe Dan Slott wanted this event to end this way, in utter and total chaos.  OK, some of the chaos he probably wanted:  Slott generally likes not wrapping up stories neatly, like when he left it unclear if the Rhino and Silver Sable died at the end of "Ends of the Earth."  The fact we're not clear on which heroes or villains died or survived here fits with that approach.  But, once again, it's the science -- or lack thereof -- that really causes the confusion.  First, one of the New U scientists reveals they kept the original bodies of some of the people they cloned in stasis.  This part makes no sense.  First, to the extent Slott has laid out the science used to make the clones, it seemed clear Ben needed all the remains of a body to clone it.  However, here, it seems like you don't even need any of the remains, if they could keep the bodies of people they cloned in stasis.  Moreover, they allegedly did so in order to cure the people's maladies.  But, how did they "cure" Hobie?  He was shocked to death by Electro!  [Sigh.]  The science is even more unclear when it comes to why some clones survived and others died.  Slott shows the clones differing in terms of their sturdiness as they disintegrate at different rates once Ben broadcasts the signal; for example, Gwen is alive to watch her father turn to dust.  But, Slott never addresses why they would disintegrate at different rates.  Why were some clones more stable than others?  No idea.  Moreover, we have a great example of pet peeve #3.  All the resurrected "good guys" die:  Jean DeWolff, Marla Jameson, Oksana, Captain Stacy, Gwen Stacy, etc.  The only exception seems to be the Lizard's wife and son, because Curt figured out a cure, but he only had enough for the two of them.  But, all the villains seem to have lived.  Spider-Gwen mentions she saw "some" bad guys dissolve, but the only evidence of a dead bad guy we have is Otto's arms, and, since we know Ben survived (due to his new series), it seems likely Otto did, too.  Peter says (again) it's always the villains who return, but that doesn't make sense just because Peter said it.  In the end, all "Clone Conspiracy" seems to have done is resurrect virtually every Spider-Man villain since he started his career.  I'm not fundamentally against that; in fact, it's pretty cool.  But, it would've been better if Slott had done it in a careful and methodical way.  Instead, we get a cheap ret-con that destroys the reputation of a great character to accomplish it.  I wouldn't call that a win.

Deadpool #27:  I'll hand it to Marvel:  when they recommend you read this issue at the end of "Captain America:  Steve Rogers" #11, they're not kidding.  A trio of future Captain Americas arrive in the past to prevent Rogers from creating his "Secret Empire," but Cap, Agent Coulson, and Deadpool make short work of them.  However, Coulson stumbles upon Cap putting a gun in the hand of the last future Cap they killed, retroactively justifying his order for Deadpool to shoot to kill moments before.  Coulson is shaken and starts to put two and two together, from Kobik restoring Steve to his younger age to Dalton's murder leading to Maria's ouster and Steve becoming the S.H.I.E.L.D. Director.  Between that and Taskmaster's discovery at the end of "Captain America:  Steve Rogers" #11, the net is starting to tighten here.

Also Read:  Mighty Thor #16;  Poe Dameron #11; Spider-Man #13; U.S.Avengers #3