Seven-Month-Old Comics!: The May 15 Top-Shelf Edition (HERE BE SPOILERS!)

G.I. Joe:  A Real American Hero #306:  This issue is basically just walking us through the various evil-doer plots and counter-plots.

Zartan manages to trick Serpentor Khan's heat seeking missile into destroying his Swamp Speeder without him on it and knows enough about how the world works to know that the M.A.R.S emblem on the missile's shrapnel means Destro is definitely not the person trying to kill him.  

On Cobra Island, Khan is frustrated by the lack of a confirmed hit on Zartan but delights over the enhanced cyborgs Revanche is producing.  

At Destro's castle, one of his aides approaches him and whispers that Zartan (who's speaking to Destro at that moment) is a simulacrum.  At that moment, "Zartan" is trying to convince Destro to join forced to take on Cobra Commander in Springfield.  The Baroness goes to kill "Zartan," but Destro stops her.  Correctly deducing Serpentor Khan is behind the ruse, Destro decides to use "Zartan" to feed misinformation to Serpentor.  

In Springfield, Cobra guards open fire on Dawn's parents's car after a patrolman stops them from leaving town.  (They shoot because Dawn's mother tells the patrolman she's going for their papers in the glove compartment, and the patrolman — probably correctly — surmises she's going for a gun.)

At Revanche HQ in Jersey, a Blue Ninja confirms to Alpha-001 that they found Serpentor's extra chip on ones of the cyborgs.  They then reprogrammed the latest shipment of chips to add a Revanche override to Serpent's chip.

A group of Joes (Wet-Suit, Helix, Multo, and Muskrat) quietly arrive on Cobra Island.

Finally, in the Bayou, Zartan informs the Dreadnoks someone tried to kill him, and Ripper suggests they set up an alliance with Destro.

Napalm Lullaby #3:  I'm trying to like this one, but Remender isn't making it easy.

Glokor's Citadel of Heaven is basically an upscale mall, where everyone there mindlessly pursues conformism and vanity.  Sarah dubs it "moral fascism," as they willingly refuse to consider any viewpoints other than their own and, as such, are all complicit in "our decline...so long as it keeps them comfortable."  As an empath, Sam is overwhelmed by this extreme level of egotism and begins to lose control over his ability not to set things on fire.

An angel exposits the basic framework on how Heaven works:  you climb the pyramid's 30 levels to cleanse your soul of the "filth of Kestuul," who "used science to control us" and gave us "hedonism, lust, depravity, barbarism, abortion, homosexuality, greed, pollution, and war."  The Leader later informs the pilgrims that they have to recruit 100 souls for baptism for their "ultimate salvation."

An angel sniffs out a "sindicator," but it isn't Sam, it's a would-be terrorist planning on detonating himself.  (How did he get into the Citadel?)  But the guards manage to cover him in some sort of plasma that restrains the blast, igniting only the would-be bomber.  

Another angel eventually identifies Sam, Sarah, and their father, who tries to get them to leave.  Sarah resists and starts to say something about making it all this way.  She doesn't get to finish that thought because the Janitor incinerates her father, whom she calls Xander.  Also, the Janitor may be their mother.

It's hard to tell here how exactly Glokor's religion works.  If I'm guessing correctly, the Citadel began with a certain number of rich people living there.  They now form the Citadel's elites, and the pilgrims have to bring in the people for their Ponzi scheme to work.

At any rate, I'm not really buying any of it, so I'm getting off this train here.

Redcoat #2:  This series is definitely the Ghost Machine launch that I could see myself abandoning soon.  I mentioned last issue that Simon isn't particularly likable, but after this issue I have to admit that he isn't particularly interesting, either.

The melee that began last issue continues here, as Simon and Einstein fight off the cultists.  One of them manages to hit Simon with an axe etched with symbols, though Simon shrugs off the attack.  As he narrates the battle, Simon tells us that it's the first time he's engaged with the cultists since he became immortal in 1776 and that he's only aware of one other immortal besides himself.  He assesses this group of cultists as young and not ageless making him wonder what they want with him.  But, given it's Simon, he doesn't wonder too much and bolts, leaving Einstein to follow.

As they walk through Boston Simon tries to lose Einstein, though suddenly a blue flare of energy emits from his wound, knocking them both off their feet.  Einstein tells him that he won't heal from this wound as easily as he usually does, saying that he and everyone else in the United States are in danger.

On a train to New York, Einstein explains how his sister, Maja, had visions of "glowing men and metal soldiers and an immortal mercenary in a red coat."  Maja predicts a ritual gone wrong will leave America "burning from coast to coast."  These visions came while Einstein was in a phase where he was actively trying to prove "spiritualists, magicians, and fortune tellers" wrong given his newfound belief in science.  However, Maja correctly predicts a fire in their father's workshop and other visions come to pass.  After their parents don't believe her, Maja sends Einstein to find Simon.

Simon isn't really buying what Einstein is selling but agrees to travel with him to find the one person he knows who might be able to answer the questions Einstein raises.  The wound lets off energy again on a train, and Einstein says that he thinks Simon's condition will get worse because the cultists knew that only Simon can stop them.  They arrive in New York and head to the mansion of the founder of the "so-called Society of Patriarchs" as he's throwing a lavish Gilded Age party.  The founder is Simon's fellow immortal, Benedict Arnold.  

Although they're rivals, Benedict also seems to take care of Simon, for reasons Johns doesn't explain.  Benedict sends Simon and Einstein into his study so he can finish dancing with J.P. Morgan's daughter (smart, Benny) and enters just as Simon suffers another burst of energy from the wound.  As he does, Simon has a vision of fire spreading from sea to sea as Maja did.  Benedict recognizes the axe as the Axe of Lies and informs Simon that he'll be dead (for realsies) in three days.

The Weatherman, Vol. 3 #5:  [Breathes.]

I don't know what to say here.  Every issue of this series manages to top the previous one.  I opened this issue with trepidation, scared of the things LeHeup planned for characters I love.  I was correct.  It was brutal.

We begin with Burga's staff figuring out a way get around Zane jamming their transmission so she can get out a message to the Martian people that the Sword of God has acquired a second sample of the biophagus and, unless a "small tactical force of elite Arcadian operatives" stop it, Mars will go the way of Earth and Venus.  As Burga tells everyone to go to their loved ones and make their peace, Cross, the Marshal, and White Light arrive at the facility, with a furious looking Ian and Jenner looking down at them from the top of the wall.

Cross blows open the gates and sends White Light to disable the hypergate and the Marshal to destroy the power source.  When the Marshal asks where she's going, she says simply, "Don't wait for me," and the three of them silently go their separate ways.

White Light encounters Molly, and their battle is brutal.  Molly uses a grenade to throw White Light into a set of pipes, but White Light uses her electric knife to set the chemicals leaking from the pipe on fire, thus setting Molly on fire.  At this point, we learn Molly is mostly metal as her still-burning self emerges from the fire like Arnold in "Terminator."

Cross arrives in one of Alice's labs but hears an explosion outside the doors.  She sees the Marshal with his back unknowingly to the fire (which I think is from the blast that White Light caused) and shouts a warning to him just as a huge tank explodes.  The Marshal manages to jump to safety, but the floor collapses under him.  He finds himself on the floor below that one, face-to-face with the power source...and Jenner.  Cross scrambles to get to the Marshal, but Ian appears and slams her into the ground.  Notably, Cross calls him Nathan, not Ian.

Molly is on a full tear after White Light, opening fire on her.  White Light uses a steel plate to deflect the bullets only for Molly to use her chainsaw arm to cut the plate in half.  Spewing a flame thrower, Molly corners White Light, who manages to hurdle over Molly and collapse a door frame on her, buying White Light a few minutes.

Jenner calls the Marshal by his name —Komatsu Michio — and asks if he's there to bring him to justice.  The Marshal says justice has nothing to do with it, and Jenner simply says, "Of course.  Revenge.  Are they not one and the same?"  The Marshal then tells him he's always talked too much and attacks with his katana.

Upstairs, Amanda tells Ian that she doesn't want to hurt him, and he wordlessly pummels her.  After grabbing her electric knife, he kicks her off the platform onto a lower one and leaps in the air, knife above his head, missing Cross only when she manages to roll to her side.  She then tells him that she definitely wants to hurt him now.

Molly hunts White Light, telling her women should support other women in the workplace (ha!) as she arrives at a magnetron (or some other large device with magnets).  Seeing White Light in the control room, Molly tries to bolt, but White Light activates the device, ripping all the metal off her body.  Appalled by Molly's remains of a body, White Light puts her hand to her mouth, only for Molly to sign, "Thank you," before dying.  Oof.

At the power source, Jenner tells the Marshal that family made him soft.  He tells him that he was a credit to the ORCA program and asks if he knew why they ended the program.  The Marshal manages to shoot out part of the ceiling above Jenner, seemingly killing him.  But Jenner emerges covered in the biophagus, stating, "I happened."  

Jenner reveals the "the suits found a way to splice [his] DNA with the healing properties of the virus" to "build a better murderer."  Jenner then rips off the Marshal's cybernetic arms and —pasted over a flashback of him killing everyone in the lab that made him what he is — impales the Marshal with his cyberblade arm.  He then hands the Marshal the locket from last issue as the facility's PA announces, "Maximum energy output exceeded."  The Marshal looks at the pictures in the locket and, in a flashback, sees a beautiful woman at the beach with her boy playing with a bucket in the surf behind her.  He then dies.

You guys.  Not the Marshal.  I can't.

Eight-Month-Old Comics!: The April 3 Top-Shelf Edition - Part One a.k.a. "Enter Ghost Machine" (HERE BE SPOILERS!)

The first three "Ghost Machine" issues hit the stands today, the reason I took a dive into the Geiger back catalogue a few weeks ago.  How'd it go?  Let's see!

Geiger #1:  Interestingly enough, Johns doesn't really build too much of a bridge to new readers here, which is a welcome development in my book.  That said, he doesn't make the story inaccessible to them, either.  Instead,Geiger turns a page and leaves Vegas.  Besides Barney, his only reminder of his time there is the former Nuclear Knight from "Ghost Machine" #1, who remains on his trail.  But we'll get there.

A group of toughs arrive in a town that looks like the Old West except for its crooked McDonalds sign.  Henry, the town's elderly mayor, tells the thugs that the town's citizens have given them everything they could.  In response, the lead thug hits Henry in the face with the butt of his shotgun.  He then orders the other thugs to "show them there is no line we won't cross" and screams at them to "hurt the weak" and get the kids.  

As a thug on horseback grabs a kid, the lead thug approaches Geiger, who's sitting on a bench reading "Blood Meridian."  Unwisely, the lead thug knocks it from Geiger's hands.

We then fast forward to the thugs lying in the street, one with Geiger's handprint dramatically burned into his face.  The remaining thug threatens to murder a young boy unless Geiger lets him leave.  Geiger suddenly imagines his son where the boy is and hurls one of his rods straight through the guy's skull.

As the townspeople worry about Geiger getting them sick, Henry goes to talk to him, telling him they didn't realize he was the Glowing Man when he arrived the previous night looking for the library.  Picking up his book, Geiger silently leaves, though we see the smiling Knight watching from behind a post.

At a camp site that night, Barney is acutely displeased with their diet of canned beans, though Geiger tells him that he'll get sick again if he eats anything else, even with his radioactive stomach.  The next morning, the Knight arrives at the abandoned camp site, though it turns out Geiger is still there when he throws the Knight to the ground, telling him to stop following him.  The Knight tells Geiger that he's helping him, that the Army is following him by tracking his rods' radioactive trail and that he blew up some toxic waste to throw the Army off Geiger's trail.

Under pressure from Geiger, the Knight admits that he wants to be a hero like Geiger.  He admits that he terrible things when he worked for the King of Vegas, because he was scared.  You can tell it haunts him, as he tells Geiger that he laughed at the pain of the people smaller than him, people that he hurt.  But he notices that Geiger is never scared.  He watched him stand between the King and two kids Geiger didn't know (in "Geiger (2021)" #6), and the Knight wants to believe that the world is more than toxicity.  "I'm tired of being an awful human being in an awful world."  Fair enough, dude.

Before they can finish, the Army arrives.  They aim a bomb at the pair, and the Knight takes on the soldiers as one of them notes the president didn't tell them to bring in Geiger alive.  Before a soldier can kill the Knight, Barney stops him and Geiger enters the fray.

In the aftermath, the Knight once again (as he did in "Ghost Machine" #1) tells Geiger about rumors of a guy who was cured of the same problem Geiger has.  But Geiger tells the Knight that he *is* the cancer, that "nothing good survives in this world."  

Later, as he braves a strong sand storm, Geiger sees a dandelion amazingly growing in such a harsh environment and remembers his vow renewal ceremony, where his little girl wore a dandelion behind her ear.  (You guys, as a dad, I have a really hard time every time we get a flashback to Geiger's past.)  

He then stumbles upon the Knight, who's taken off his armor, ready to fall on his sword, literally.  Instead Geiger saves him.  The Knight tells Geiger that he made a good point about the pointlessness of the world, so he decided to commit suicide. Geiger tells him that he meant that he should return to Vegas, not commit seppuku.  The Knight tells him that he doesn't have a home and asks why he should wander with no purpose.  Geiger tells the Knight that they might as well try to find this guy who was cured, and the Knight introduces himself as Nate.

The issue ends with a man in an Army jeep examining the dandelion and then using powers to electrocute it, announcing, "I'm close."  Dun-dun-DUN!

Redcoat #1:  As opposed to "Geiger," we haven't really had a deep dive into Simon, so Johns delivers one to us here.  It's, ah, not a pretty picture.

We begin with John Hancock using "magicks of the Founding Fathers" to rescue Paul Revere from some Redcoats and then segue to Simon fleeing U.S. troops in Trenton on Christmas Day, 1776.  Simon notes the British government paid most soldiers to be there and, ironically, the British officers paid the government to be there.  In other words, it isn't the most inspired team.

Simon manages to escape the pursuing soldiers and spends the night in a church's loft.  Around midnight, he awakens to voices in the sanctuary.  Below him, Benjamin Franklin lies naked on a stone tablet (yeah, it's an image) with six red-hooded, robed men surrounding him.  One of the men warns Ben of the consequences if he isn't found worthy, and Ben accepts them.  As the Grand Architect hoists a ram's skull and begins the spell, Simon falls from the loft.  He's hit with blue light from the skull, and one of the men tells the other men to leave as he recognizes Simon isn't worthy.  The church then explodes, and Simon informs us that he woke up the next morning and left.

In 1892, Simon awakens again, this time with three men at the door of the room he's renting at an inn, seeking vengeance for killing family and friends.  He flees to a pub where he begs his ex-girlfriend, Betsy (Ross?) to help him, but she lights a lantern in the window to alert the men he's there since they offered to pay off Simon's (fairly large) tab.  They succeed in killing him.  Later, a young Albert Einstein (yes) awakens Simon while exhuming him.  Einstein is thrilled to find him, because he needs help to stop a Great Evil.  But a group of red-robed men appear before he can explain more.

I'm not sure I'm going to hang in there all the way with "Redcoat."  Simon is funny, but he's remarkably unlikeable.  But the premise is intriguing, particularly since Einstein's "Great Evil" is clearly the one mentioned in the Unnamed timeline that comes at the end of each issue.  So I'll hang in here a while to see where Johns goes.

Rook:  Exodus #1:  Holy shit, this issue!

Our introduction to Rook and Exodus came in "Ghost Machine" #1, where Johns walked us through the status quo on the eve of the War of the Wardens.  This issue goes well beyond an introduction, giving us a world-building tour de force.

In 2152, the Better-World Corporation purchased Planet "F" in the Kepler system, renaming it Exodus the following year and colonizing it in 2159.  The Earth Engine failed in 2170, though, prompting evacuations in 2171.  As we saw in "Ghost Machine" #1, Rook is working on a rocket to escape Exodus and is trying to convince the only other Warden he trusts, Swine, to come with him.

One thing I didn't quite realize - and I'm thrilled to see - is how dystopian of a story Johns and Fabok are telling.  Initially, I thought Exodus was just a world providing agricultural resources to Earth, so Better-World didn't bother coming to save its workers there.  Instead, it's clear that Rook and his companions were providing these resources to the wealthy people who fled "pollution, poverty, or overpopulation" on Earth for Exodus.  Once they evacuated the (paying) residents, Better-World promised to return for the employees...and didn't.  I thought it was bad; it's even worse (or 2024, take your pick).

Three years after the Engine failed, in 2173, Rook begins his narration.  The issue begins with a rocket blasting into space and exploding, and Rook exposited that his best guess is that only 1-in-50 rockets manage to leave the atmosphere.  It doesn't stop the parade of ships "made from scrap metal and super glue" trying to make it.  Rook explains that no one knows why the Engine stopped working, but, now that it has, Exodus' climate is reverting and the water is disappearing.

Rook's activity begins at the crash site, and he taps into his helmet's neural network to contact Swine for help looking for spare parts.  When Rook reaches him, Swine tells Rook that he's several days away, looting a ship with booze that "Pumba" (clearly his favorite hog) found.  Rook is frustrated, because he needs the pigs to find the parts he needs.  Rook then realizes the rocket's pilot, called a Weatherman, survived, though he's impaled on a stake.  Though Weathermen looked down on Wardens, Rook tries to help him by giving him his last pack of painkillers, a sign that this place hasn't stripped Rook of his humanity even if he's tough.  Instead, the pilot hands him a manila envelope and tells Rook, "Don't let them burn."  The pilot dies, and Rook has to tell the crows not to eat him.  We hear of "instinct influence"for the first time here, which is the unplanned phenomenon whereby the creatures's (here, the crows') desires push into the Warden's mind (instead of vice versa).  

Suddenly, an enormous bear arrives on the scene and attacks Rook.  He exposits that, once the Engine went offline, the predators started to grow larger.  Was it a genetic mutation that the artificial water caused?  Was it an "imperceptible difference in planet size compared to Earth"?  No one knew (again).  At any rate, Rook takes on the bear as the crows hilariously encourage him to fly to safety.  He manages to get the crows to attack the bear, piercing its eye and sending it running.  

Rook buries the pilot (before the birds can eat the corpse) and enters his vehicle, which looks like the Tumbler from "Batman Begins."  (It's an apt comparison because, when we later see his face, Rook looks a lot like Bruce Wayne.)  Rook picks up a flopping fish in a drying river bed and then heads to a dilapidated dome.  Rook exposits that New Mason had a population of 800,000 people with every amenity a family could want, but, as he enters the destroyed city, it's now just him.  As he arrives at the rocket he's building, he exposits that it'll soon be no one.

At home, Rook takes off his helmet to get a break from the birds, and we see his handsome, scarred face.  He roasts the fish but unfortunately finishes off his booze, the only thing that really quiets the birds' voices.  He heads into one of the city's various bird-named apartment buildings in search of supplies.  He walks down a hall of doors marked with Xs (323, 325,...) and enters 333.  

Upon taking its booze, he crosses off the door and heads to the movie theater, which we previously heard the automated voice advertise.  ("And don't fuh-fuh-forget it's family muh-movie night in the entertainment district!"). After the movie ends, he opens the envelope the pilot handed him, where he finds a photo of the man and his family.  Rook wonders if the man's family was still on Exodus or if they ever came to Exodus in the first place.  He puts away the photo.

We watch days, maybe weeks pass, as the birds' voices in his head get louder and he makes his way to door 811.  Meanwhile, the riverbed where he was getting fish is dry, and he exposits that the crows, who are also hungry, are loyal only to the helmet.

Later, Swine and his pigs arrive.  Swine notes how rough Rook looks, and Rook is pissed, explaining that it's harder for him to find parts now that he needs specific ones.  (Previously, he needed everything so could find them on his own.)  Ominously, Swine observes that his poorly behaved pigs are getting harder to control when they're hungry.  Swine comments that there's something wrong with the neural network, like something is interfering with it.  Rook thinks that it's the failing planet and tells Swine that he can't just wander for supplies in their waning days.  Swine then reemphasizes that he's not leaving Exodus and his drift.  Rook calls him a fool, that the pigs'll turn on him once the helmet fails, but agrees to put aside the worry and get drunk with Swine like they did in training.

That night, Rook comes home drunk and works on the rocket, falling to the ground.  He recalls his childhood in 2148 Bloomington, Illinois, working on his family's farm.  He proudly builds a scarecrow only for some crows to perch on it.  He then watches in amazement as a fleet of spaceships speed into the sky.  Inside, Rook's father watches TV, and the reporters provide a litany of crises:  the West Coast is uninhabitable after wild fires, the New Madrid fault line has its strongest earthquake in centuries, homelessness has hit 33 percent, a media blackout obscures a pandemic in New Pyongyang, Alexandria is flooded, and the Bank of England has collapsed.  They then watch an ad for Better-World, and Rook asks his dad what it all means.  His (hot AF) dad tells him that everyone who can is leaving, but they're not "running away."

Fifteen years later, Rook finds the farm in flames.  Later, an adjustor tells him that his father deliberately set the fire, but Rook refutes that.  The adjustor notes the land'll make an optimal port and, for the right commission, he won't report it as arson.  It's pretty clear Better-World set the fire, but Rook has little choice to accept its compensation offer to put him to the top of the relocation line.  As he boards the ship for the 13+ month trip to Exodus, Rook sees a homeless man with a child next to him with a sign that says, "Don't forget us."  Oof.

In the present, a crow awakens him, and Rook decides they need to leave today.  He looks for Swine only to find some of his hogs eviscerated.  We then see Swine fleeing with Pumba and the rest of the drift from a group of the super-sized bears.  A bear smashes Swine into the ground, and, as Swine reaches for his rifle, a voice tells him that his spine is broken.  A hand then rips off his mask, and an enormous Warden - presumably the Ursaw of next issue's title - says, "And your skull crushed."

You guys, this series is 100% going to become a movie franchise, and we're all going to be thankful for it.  I love everything about it.  The characters are great, the world-building spectacular, the vibe pressing.  I can't recommend it enough.

Eight-Month-Old Comics!: The March 13 Top-Shelf Edition - Part Two (HERE BE SPOILERS!)

ThunderCats #2:  If I didn't have an almost 600-issue backlog, I'd consider hanging in here.  As ridiculous as it is to say about anthropomorphic cats from another planet, though, Shavley's ThunderCats aren't all that believable.  For example, they occasionally speak as if they're characters in Shakespearean fanfic yet other times speak "normally."  It's emblematic of what seems like Shavley's uncertainty about the story he's telling.

In this issue, Shavley takes a page from the 2011 cartoon series and introduces Calica as his version of Pumyra.  Panthro is rightfully suspicious when they stumble upon her and asks questions that could fairly easily verify whether she's truly a Thunderian.  But Lion-O's hormones get in the way; after confronting Panthro, he whisks Calico to a separate room to tell her about Thundera's fate.  Calica is somehow Mumm-Ra's thrall, which Panthro would've likely discovered if not for Lion-O's plot-convenient horniness.

In other words, I'm going to get while the getting is good.  It makes me sad, because I really enjoyed the idea of this series but I don't have time to hang in there.

Transformers #6:  To quote Kathy Griffin, holy fuck balls, you guys.

Johnson hurls us right into the action as the Autobots retreat from Devastator as he blocks their access to the Ark.  Contemplating the terror that is Devastator, Sparky remembers Jimmy telling him, shortly before his shuttle launched into space, that nothing bad was going to happen to him.  

As the Autobots retreat, Cliffjumper arrives with Carly, who thankfully convinces him not to drive directly at Devastator since they're the small ones and instead redirects him to a separate access point in the back of the Ark.  As Starscream revels (throwing devil horns, no less) in Devastator scaring the Autobots, Optimus lands a kick in Starscream's face and clears the way for the Autobots to enter the Ark.  A furious Thundercracker opens fire at them, screaming at them that they'll pay for what they did to Skywarp (heh).  

Optimus shields Sparky from the gunfire, and then Optimus, Sparky, Arcee, Jazz, and a crawling Ratchet enter the Ark.  However, Devastator manages to grab Optimus' leg and yanks him from the Ark.  As Devastator pummels Optimus, Arcee and Jazz open fire on him.  Arcee manages to get hold of Optimus and drag him into the Ark as Jazz continues to fire.  Devastator grabs Ratchet's good leg, and Ratchet has Jazz close the door on it, shutting out Devastator (and his leg).

It's intense, y'all.

Before Devastator destroys the Ark in his pursuit of the Autobots, Soundwave tells him to dig his way into the Ark from the mountain's backside.  Meanwhile, Cliffjumper and Carly enter the Ark only to come face to face with Starscream.  

In a scene familiar to anyone who had their heart broken watching "Transformers:  The Movie" in 1986, Optimus tells the Autobots that he's dying, something Ratchet confirms.  A morose Optimus laments that he thought they still had hope and acknowledges that Jetfire was right.  A devastated Arcee begs him not to die, and Optimus removes the Matrix, which he drops onto the floor.

In a totally unexpected development, Sparky wonders aloud, "If there only was a way..." as he looks at the Matrix.  When Ratchet questions what he's doing, Sparky says that every time something bad happened — to his men, to Jimmy, to Spike — he thought to himself, "If only I could have taken their place."  As he hears Devastator knocking through the Ark's walls, Sparky tells Optimus that he knows Optimus is going to care for the world like he cares for his boys.  Asking Optimus to watch over Spike for him, Sparky begins to enter the Matrix.  Before he disappears, he asks the Autobots to tell Spike how proud he is of him.  Sparky then fully disappears into the Matrix, and Optimus is healed.

Pledging to protect Spike and Earth, Optimus is ready to take on Devastator, who's made his way into the Ark.  He tears off Devastator's finger, opens fire with his gun and Megatron's cannon, and then kicks him in the face.

Elsewhere, Cliffjumper gets the jump (heh) on Starscream and wonders aloud what it'll be like to get the revenge he's dreamt about getting.  In the end, though, as he stands over Starscream, he can't pull the trigger, telling Carly that he's tired of all of it.  It's a devastating moment, seeing a warrior surrender to his grief, just as Optimus did moments earlier.  Johnson really uses these moments — and Thundercracker's grief over Skywarp — to convey just how weary the Transformers all are.  But Starscream is nothing but wily and grabs Carly to facilitate his escape.

Meanwhile, Optimus uses his alternate mode to lead Devastator from the Ark and then transforms to continue kicking his ass.  In a fantastic moment, he uses a charging Devastator's momentum against him and hurls him over his head, where —in possibly the best splash page I've ever seen — he crashes into Starscream.  Cliffjumper manages to grab Carly, who's furious at him for not ending it all by killing Starscream, and the Constructions grab Starscream and flee.

In yet another unforgettable moment, Optimus stops Soundwave and tells him that he just wants them to try to save their home.  Soundwave considers Ravage, whose body he's cradling, and then hurls a punch at Optimus, who tells him that he wants peace but is no fool.  Soundwave watches Optimus wordlessly as Thudercracker carries them into the distance.

As if all that isn't enough, we end with Spike awakening and asking where his dad is.

In other words, it's just a spectacular issue from start to finish.  I've loved the Transformers for a long time, and it's really wonderful to see them treated so well.

The Weatherman, Vol. 3 #3:  LeHeup should've titled this issue:  "This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things."

The issue begins in the city of Tharsis on Mars, not exactly where I expected us to be given how we ended last issue.  The Marshal is looking for someone named "the Dream Master."  He shakes down someone to get the Dream Master's location and then finds a strung-out Cross lying between some garbage bags in a back alley.

Later, Cross awakens with a start in a bed in a cabin.  After her initial confusion, she wears a look of shame when she sees the Marshal's boots on a railing outside her window.  She wraps herself in a blanket and heads to look at the inlet the cabin overlooks.  She asks the Marshal how he found her, and he responds, "Redhead nemo junkie gettin' into bar fights so she can lose 'em?  Easiest job I ever had."  She asks where they are, and he tells her that he lived here once with a woman and her son after the service.  He tells her that the woman had a calm way about her and taught him how to see the world in color before, of course, the virus took her and now all he sees is red.

Cross asks the Marshal if Jenner is right, and the Marshal acknowledges that it feels that way sometimes, "bunch'a doomed idiots that can't stop hurtin' cuz they can't stop hurtin.'"  He asks if she really wants to know whether people deserve to die or she does, specifically.  She admits that she can't stop thinking about Nathan and corrects herself to say Ian.  Since she couldn't bring back her son, she broke him, and she admits now she'd do anything to save him.  She then asks why he thinks Nathan stayed alive after Earth, and the Marshal says that he doesn't really now, just that maybe Ian thought he'd gotten a raw deal.  But he notes that this Ian has no hope, which makes him a dangerous man.  But, to the Marshal's mind, if she can find her fight again, she might help Ian find his.

Elsewhere, Burga is discussing the election with her advisor, Jared, and notes that Jenner's Giant Cartoon Doomsday Clock is timed to when Mars will announce the results of its presidential race.  She laments that Councilman Cyrus — a Trumpian figure who "represents the worst of humanity - tribalism, fear-mongering, greed" — is going to win because she hasn't delivered Jenner's head on a platter.  We learn Jenner is after something that is "safely secured inside a top secret Marine base in the heart of the Venusian wasteland."  She comments that, so long as she doesn't get a call that the "something" is no longer "safely secured," they have an election to win.  Then, the phone rings.

At the Venus hypergate, Cross, the Marshal, and White Light are waiting at a traffic jam after some of the hypergate's anchors failed, which means the gate is susceptible to drift.  Their hope is to find Ian's tracker so they can get a read on Jenner's trail.  The Marshal hands Cross some food, and she reacts violently.  The Marshal looks upset, and White Light hilariously writes, "He tried to make something nice!!" on a white board, prompting Cross to tell him that she loves it.  It's an adorable moment in a series with few of them.  Of course, the joy ends instantly when the Marshal asks Cross if she wants seconds and she realizes that a second sample exists (despite Burga telling her that she destroyed it in vol. 2, issue #6).

(Cross makes this realization when she remembers that Djinn told her in issue #1 that Ian wanted to wipe his mind for a "second reason."  Cross (and I) initially thought she meant Sadie (the daughter, not the dog), but, as we see below, Cross realizes that it's because Ian knew where the second bomb was.)

On Venus, Jenner and his team have broken into the facility Burga mentioned.  Ghost is taking on the troops outside while Alice is hacking into the system and Molly, Jenner, and Ian are making their way through the facility.  A dying guard begs Ian to save him and Ian hesitates, only for Jenner to smash his face dramatically, asking Ian who's really innocent.  (When I saw graphically, I mean graphically.  Like, his foot moves in the viscera.)  A guard pumps Jenner's back full of lead, which he somehow expels from his body before killing the guard via electrocution.  Continuing his tirade, Jenner notes that most people are looking for a better world but are "unwilling to sacrifice even the most modest of comforts to achieve it," which I guess means no one is innocent in Jenner's eyes.  

At this point, Alice is using her butterflies to control an engineer to open the vault with the virus.  Jenner notes that Cross lied to Ian — telling him Jenner had the virus sample when he didn't — just to get her revenge.  Jenner says the innocent know they're not innocent once their distractions —their shows, their championships — end.  As he approaches the virus, he says he will end their suffering for real.

As they race to Venus, Cross is screaming at Burga on a call, telling Burga that she told her (Cross) that Burga destroyed the virus and observing that they only have eight hours to save Mars.  LeHeup then connects the dots when he returns to a mystery from last issue, namely why Jenner was so blasé when Ian failed his psych scan.  Cross (correctly) hypothesizes that Ian learned where the second sample was when he stole the first one, but he and Jenner had their "falling out" (i.e., Jenner committed genocide) before Ian told Jenner where it was.  As mentioned above, it's the second reason why Ian wanted to erase his memory.  Since he failed to do so, though, Ian retained that information, which Alice then read.  Burga reinstates Cross, and she, the Marshal, and White Light head to the base.  As Cross says, "[If] we die, we died being awesome."

Hitting the ground, White Light takes on Ghost, who's basically Transor-Z at this point, as Cross heads to the control room and the Marshal to the vault.  White Light transforms their ship again (see vol. 2, issue #5), so we get a fucking awesome Transformers match-up here, which I wasn't expecting.

As Cross enters the base, she sees Ian holding Sadie (the dog) on his shoulders, with Alice noting, "This did not age well.  And you think we're messed up."  (Fair point, honestly, Alice.)  Meanwhile, the Marshal is ready to assassinate Jenner and looks at a locket with photos of, presumably, the woman and her son that he mentioned earlier.  Back in the control room, Alice switches the image that Cross sees to Sadie (the daughter), commenting that Cross has already immersed herself in a horrific reality so she (Alice) didn't need to do anything else.  Alice puts Cross' gun to her (Alice's) head and tells Cross to pull the trigger, but the Marshal observers this development in time as, in reality, Cross has her own gun under her chin (due to Alice's manipulations).  Forgoing taking out Jenner, the Marshal assassinates Alice.  (Cross comments, "Thought you didn't care," and the Marshal responds, "Don't tell White Light.")  Later, Jenner finds the locket that the Marshal left.

Outside, Molly, Jenner, and Ian bolt for their ship as Ghost is handing White Light her ass.  However, White Light lets Ghost attack her ship so she can sneak into Ghost and set off a bomb, destroying him.  Cross shouts at Ian as he and his crew depart, asking him not to do what they're going to do, and Ian stares out her furiously.  Cross, the Marshal, and White Light just watch them go.

It's a fucking ride, y'all.  You know, as I've said before, I'm not sure we're getting a happy ending here.

Seven-Month-Old Comics!: The January 31 Top-Shelf Edition - Part Two (HERE BE SPOILERS!)

Pathfinder:  Wake the Dead #5:  Oof.  This series hasn't been a great one.  

We end with the revelation that it was Nyctessa who alerted the party members' organizations to the sleeper agents in their midsts.  However, her plan went awry when Gabsalia died, forcing her to emerge from the shadows to direct events.  Quinn hypothesizes that Nyctessa was also his mysterious employer, though I don't understand why she would've needed her own agent, given Quinn didn't really have any information the other party members didn't.

At any rate, Kuo finds himself sent to the dungeon when his patron, Commander Bheldis, arrives given Bheldis forbade Kuo from implementing his "sleeper agent" plan.  If I'm following correctly, Kuo secretly defied Bheldis in the hopes that the information he gathered from the activated agents would help him usurp Bheldis.  That said, I still don't understand why Nyctessa got involved to stop Kuo's scheme.  Did she really care about Geb that much?  It seems...a stretch.

The team escapes Geb when the annual "Visitation" happens, freezing the city and making it easy for warm-blooded citizens (like the team) to escape.  They all decided to throw in their lot together (except Nyctessa, who stays in Geb), which I don't think Van Lente really sells well, since they never seemed to like one another.

It was interesting visiting this corner of Golarion, but I can't say I particularly enjoyed the characters or plot.  I hope we move onto another team for the next mini-series.

The Space Between #4:  I've liked like series, but Beckho really rushes the ending here.  112 years after the Tumult, we follow two pairs of people working toward opposing outcomes:  one pair is trying to stop resettlement on 'Dice, another one to guarantee it.  

Dr. Sky is treating a boy and realizes she's given him her last aspirin.  (The boy's mother initially doesn't want him to take it because it's been genetically modified, and Sky tells her that it'll be better than anything her kids get on 'Dice.)  She calls the requisition folks, but her communicator is on the fritz so she's forced to go downstairs herself.  She speaks to a man named Koa, who's rude to her after she's curt with him.  She demands a new communicator on top of the aspirin, and he tells her that she'll have to wait until someone dies since the Dodona mined its last metal the previous year.  

An announcement interrupts their fight and encourages everyone to go to a window screen to see the first image of 'Dice.  Koa sees Sky in the park and quips that he's surprised she isn't too busy to pause for the view.  Sky confesses to Koa that she doesn't believe they should leave the Dodona, which seems to be a pretty treasonous thing to confess to a guy who doesn't like you (and whom you don't like either).  It turns out Koa agrees, and he's been looking for an "upper" who supports his pro-Dodona view.  Sky says that humanity has always fixed problems, so they can fix the Dodona.  

I admit this argument makes no sense to me.  You've exhausted all your natural resources but somehow you're going to manage to survive while floating endlessly in space?  Sky's reasoning seems to be that humanity will have to start over on 'Dice, as if the resourcefulness that she previously mentioned wouldn't apply there.

Meanwhile, Auld and his colleague Hope, both navigators, explain to the Council that they only have one shot at landing on 'Dice, as they're going to have to burn all their fuel reserves to slow down enough to make orbital insertion possible.  Auld and Hope are outraged when the Council seems inclined not to land, and they later overhear some people fighting in the hallway over it.  Folks on all sides seem to hate the navigators:  one blames them for not doing their jobs in the first place (though they clearly corrected the problem from issue #3 sufficiently so I'm not sure what this person's point really is) and the other for making landing possible (though that's their job so I don't get that argument either).

In a garden, Auld and Hope discuss how to make people want to leave the Dodona.  Since they can't land as planned, they'll need to enter 'Dice's orbit and then send down life rafts to the surface.  Auld suggests poisoning the algae tanks, but Hope objects since it'll kill the animals, too.  (There's a weird blip in the conversation here, where Auld objects to Hope's use of the term "sugarcat" when referring to his pet — seemingly a hybrid of the escaped cats and flying squirrels, named Mabel — but Hope doesn't actually use this term in their conversation.)  Auld realizes that they can just make it look like they poisoned the tanks; by the time the others realize the truth, the Dodona'll be locked in orbit.

Before going that route, Auld and Hope try to convince people the Dodona is dying, but Koa isn't buying it and, in fact, threatens violence if they try to land on 'Dice.  In the end, the Council calls for a vote where more than half the ship's residents vote not to land.  

Auld tells Hope that he'll have to commit suicide to make it convincing that the O2 is poisoned, and the two implements their plan.  The sirens blare, and Sky follows Koa to the purification node.  They find a dead Hope — who joined Auld in committing suicide, possibly due to the feelings she realized she had for him — and a dying Auld.  Koa confirms the algae is fine and Auld and Hope just changed the data to set off the alarms.  Auld then asks Koa to take care of Mabel, which he does, which is weird, because he doesn't really seem that guy.  

Koa contemplates Mabel and tells Sky that he's had a change of heart and is ready to leave "home."  Beckho doesn't make clear why Koa suddenly changed his mind; he just states what was obvious all along, that, as Sky said, humanity can overcome any problems it encounters.  The issue ends with Sky addressing the crowd of residents who arrive on 'Dice via the life rafts, with the Dodona now 'Dice's moon.

In the previous issue, Beckho did a great job of moving us through these large philosophical concepts while still focusing on characterization, but, here, the characters are really just vehicles to advance the plot.  I would've liked to see what she could've done with a few more issues, giving her the space to really develop characters.   At it stands, I can't really say I recommend this series, but it was interesting at least.

ThunderCats #1:  I was going to list this one as an "Also Read."  Shavley does a great job of capturing the characters' voices, to the point where it reads like you're watching the '80s cartoon show.  But it results in an issue that isn't that complex.  Of course, then Slithe shatters the Sword of Omens and Mumm-Ra somehow summons Jaga's spirit, and I was like, OK, game on, Declan.

The Weatherman, Vol. 3 #2:  Oof.  As I mentioned last issue, LeHeup's genius here is that you really, really don't know whose side you want Ian to join.  Every time we get insight into this reality's status quo, it's one more point in Jenner's favor.

The issue begins with Ian arriving at Hera's Hope (Frontier Colony 62A) on Venus.  Fox gets the details right here, portraying Venus in a way that makes it clear why this hostile environment produced Jenner (as we learn later in the issue).  Humanity has yet to finish encasing Venus in orbital solar panels, and Hera's Hope exists in a barren desert landscape, like an overcrowded Mos Eisley.

Ian heads straight for a bar, where he finds Metal Molly, a cyborg member of the Sword of God.  She suggests they take a ride in Ghost, "a digital consciousness [who] projects a holographic memory of his physical self over a set of free-floatin' tactical drones."  An hour later, Ian and Molly arrive at a camp where she introduces a guy "named Wilma with an ex-wife, two loving sons, and a job in molecular advertising."  Wilmo is chained to a chair, and Molly wants Ian to kill him to show he's the same "stone-cold-killer" he was.

In a flashback to a week ago, a scientists walks Nathan through shooting a hog as Zane tells him that humanity is counting on him to infiltrate the Sword.  They tell Nathan that he has to shoot the hog since he'll likely have to shoot a human to prove his bona fides to the Sword.  Nathan does it, to Zane's delight.  On Venus, we see that Ian has killed the guy, blood splattered on his face.

On Burga's transport ship, Dr. Argus informs Cross that Nathan has "dissociative fugue."  Ian didn't need to have Dr. Nyseth wipe his mind because his trauma was so great and his need to escape himself so profound that he created Nathan on his own.  Argus hypothesizes that the training they've given Nathan likely made the Ian personality - previously deeply buried in Nathan's psyche - reemerge.  He believes "Nathan" is likely now Ian and Nathan combined.

Zane informs Cross that the tracker they implanted into Nathan's arm allows them to see all his movements and everything he sees.  Once Nathan sees Jenner, they'll order an orbital missile strike.  Someone notes that Nathan'll likely have a to pass a second loyalty test, namely "Alice's" psychic screening.  Zane hypothesizes that he'll be more likely to pass the test if Ian has reemerged, since he'll also keep the virtual memories they implanted to help him pass the test.  (In vol. 2, issue #6, LeHeup explains that they're using the Pearl's fantasy-murder tech to create a past for Ian.)  Argus worries that a reemerged Ian might not share their cause.

In another flashback, Cross asks Nathan if he's sure he wants to do what they're proposing.  She warns him that it's unlikely that he's going to succeed.  Nathan comments that Jenner'll just finish what he started if Nathan doesn't try.  Plus, he feels like he owes humanity one.  Then, in the best possible distillation of Nathan's personal philosophy, he says:  "Without people we wouldn't have ice cream, karate chops, doin' it, power chords, funky grandmas, 'the Worm'...if going away means more people get to experience that same joy I have...then I'm okay with that."  Cross asks if he's scared, and he says that he is.  But he says that he's getting "used to the fact that everyone else is supposed to be here...and I'm not."  You're a gem, Nathan Bright.

Zane wakes up Cross when Ghost arrives with Ian and Molly at Sword's base, where Ian meet Alice, who is totally bat shit crazy.  Alice confirms that Ian was living as a weatherman on Mars before the M.S.A. sent him undercover, which she acknowledges she almost missed because Mars' memory masks are getting harder to spot.  Alice exposits that Ian remembered everything about his past once he shot "the normie."  At this point, the camera turns, and we learn that Alice is talking to Jenner.  Dun-dun-DUN!  It's like a jump scare.

On her ship, Burga orders the strike, but Cross tries to convince her that she can't.  Zane says Nathan knew what he was doing, but Cross — not incorrectly — notes that Ian didn't.  Zane isn't particularly sympathetic towards Ian, but Cross reminds her that he wasn't a terrorist —he was trying to destroy the "extinction-level weapon" that humanity itself created.  Burga interrupts and says that they have to bring Jenner to justice.  Cross insists that they can't sacrifice Ian for politics, and Burga tells her that she could've found out the information about Ian's past before they sent him undercover but didn't.  She asks why she didn't, and Cross doesn't respond.  Burga again orders the hit, telling Cross that she (Burga) didn't kill Ian — Cross did.  She then relieves Cross of duty.

On Venus, Jenner greats Ian, who immediately threatens to kill him.  Jenner tells Ian that he's counting on him doing so but only after the conclusion of the mission.  Jenner then asks Ian if he hears the "wail of the Venusian wind."  He explains that he grew up listening to it, as he and his mother were poor, surviving on trade and what they could grow in the freezing temperatures.  He describes the unbearable isolation and unceasing wind, which eventually drove his mother insane — she walked into the desert one night to die. 

Jenner then gives us his political manifesto, and he's...not wrong.  He opines that humanity's survival depends on a healthy environment, but humanity destroys it anyway.  As people, we want to be heard but don't listen, we push our pain onto people we don't understand, we would destroy our world before we would see our foes' prosper.  He describes these flaws as "terminal deficiencies."  Ian tells Jenner that he (Jenner) killed his daughter, and Jenner wonders how may daughters Ian has killed.  (Fair point.)  Ian asks what Jenner wants, and he tells Ian that this time he wants Ian to help him save humanity from itself.

On Burga's ship, Cross commanders a smaller ship and makes a run for Venus as the Marshal watches from his ship.  On Venus, Ian uses a rusty mattress spring to pick his cell lock and break free.  He enters Jenner's hut, where Jenner is meditating.  Ian raises a knife and...jams it into his forearm.  

The missile strike destroys the camp, and the M.S.A.'s soldiers later find Ian's tracking device in the rubble, confirming that Ian joined Jenner.

In other words, it's a spectacular issue.  I can't recommend this series enough.  It was totally worth the wait between volumes. 

Seven-Month-Old Comics!: The January 31 Top-Shelf Edition - Part One (HERE BE SPOILERS!)

Alan Scott:  Green Lantern #4:  Sheridan delivers the Crimson Lantern's origin here, and, honestly, it makes a lot more sense than Alan's at this point.

Johnny, or Vlad, narrates his origin for Alan as Alan lies on the floor after Vlad sucked punched him at the end of last issue.  Vlad was born in 1932 in Bobruisk, Belarus, where his father was stationed.  Vlad leaves home as a young (barely) man to escape his abusive father, who later loses his house in a card game and dies penniless in the streets.  

Vlad grows bored in the Red Army and sleeps with a high-ranking official in the Political Directorate to become a spy.  (Vlad will later try to wrap the tattered remains of his heterosexuality around himself, so it's interesting to see how early into his career he was using it as an excuse to have sex with men.)

Vlad explains his first assignment is ironically his last one, as he's assigned to infiltrate Project Twilight.  He's chosen because his mother taught him English by reading him ancient myths; coincidentally, the "Red Fires of Béringovo Môre" (i.e., the Crimson Flame of Death) fascinated them.  

Vlad is initially concerned that someone is going to realize that he's a spy since he isn't an engineer, but he realizes he's dickmatized Alan so he finds another way (i.e., dick) to stay on the project.  

Once he and Alan contain the Crimson Flame, Vlad thought he was close to victory, as a Soviet submarine was speeding toward the ship.  But Alan's heroism gets in the way when he releases the Flame to save "Johnny."  Of course, the Flame winds up getting Vlad anyway.  After Vlad drowns, the Flame resurrected him, and he notes he saw a brief green flash under the water before the Soviet divers rescued him.  

He spends two years under the knife in the Red Labs, though it becomes clear the Flame only responds to him, dooming the Soviets' plan to create a whole legion of Crimson Soldiers.  Reading about the Green Lantern, the Soviets create a lantern and ring for Vlad, who notes that "these two incredible cosmic forces are bonded," just like he and Alan.

In the present, Vlad continues to monologue, and it's clear he's just finding a reason to talk to Alan.  Like, if he were really a straight guy who simply used Alan to get what he wanted, I don't think he'd be pondering aloud his decision to choose Florida State College as his alleged alma mater since it's a women's college.  (He comments about how it's like he almost wanted Alan to catch him.)

Eventually, Alan catches Vlad off guard and attacks, and "Johnny" tells him his real name before bolting through the wall.  Alan follows him, and we get a hilarious scene where they move through an apartment's walls unnoticed while the family listens to a radio broadcast about the missing Soviet submarine.

Alan depletes his ring's energy mid-flight, and Vlad saves him from falling by encircling him in a bubble.  Vlad explains to Alan that the two Flames contain "all the ancient magic of this universe concentrated and contained within the heart of the star."  (Sure.)  It allows for "flight, strength, even energy constructs," and it's interesting Alan didn't know about the constructs.  That said, Alan does understand that the ring allows him and Vlad to move through solid walls by moving them to a time when the wall doesn't exist, meaning they're capable of some form of time travel.  Vlad ponders whether Alan hasn't realized his potential because the Flames' powers are based on emotions and he always suppresses his.  (Um, OK, pot.)

Alan approaches Vlad through the bubble and asks why he killed the men.  Vlad says he didn't want to kill anyone, and Alan asks if he was jealous.  Vlad rages at him, saying he has a wife now, and cuts off Alan as he asks, "Does she know you're a --?"  He doesn't finish the question and instead leans with his back agains the bubble; Vlad does the same, leaving them back to back.  

Alan tells Vlad that he bought the house in Lake George that Vlad loved (and Alan hated), explaining that it had an echo of him there and that he's been picking up pieces of that echo in people (i.e., his "Johnny" doppelgängers) and places.  They have a moment here as Alan puts his hand against the bubble.  Vlad whispers his name before reciprocating...

...and Alan punches him, grabbing the Crimson Lantern and recharging his ring with it, despite Vlad's warning not to do so.

All in all, it's a solid issue.  Given Alan eventually marries a woman (actually, two, I think), Vlad isn't the villain simply because he isn't living a fully realized life.  By including the story about the Political Directorate official "plucking" him from the Army, Sheridan makes it clear that Vlad is as gay (or at least bisexual) as Alan is but struggling with it just the same.

At some point, Sheridan does have to answer this question of why Vlad killed all those guys.  Even if it was "just" jealousy, he clearly seemed to do it to lay a trail for Alan to follow, which raises the question why he didn't just capture or kill Alan in the first place.  In fact, given the submarine story simmering on the back burner, we're still not really clear if Vlad is here on the Soviets' behalf or on his own.

Duke #2:  First things first, the "Energon Universe's" time frame is still unclear to me.  I'm really not sure how "Duke's" time frame fits into the larger "G.I. Joe:  A Real American Hero" and "Transformers" time frames.

To wit, this issue ends with Rock 'n Roll and Stalker successfully nabbing Duke and his buddy, Clutch, and bringing them to an abandoned Pit, which we learn the Army decommissioned in the '80s but still uses to hold high-value prisoners.  Given this series began at the same in-universe time as "Transformer" #1 (recalling Duke goes on his bender because he sees Starscream kill his buddy in "Transformers" #1), it seems like "G.I. Joe:  A Real American Hero" is at least several months, if not years, in the future (or, I guess, the past), since Duke isn't a drunk and the Pit is the Pit.

At any rate, to start at the start, Duke finds Clutch, who's a friend from before he joined the Army — Clutch used to build cars that Duke would crash (presumably in derby races).  He has a B.S. from MIT and lives in a trailer at the junkyard he runs.  He's a pretty great bro, even if he does forget the name of his girlfriend when he tries to introduce Duke to her.  He does, however, realize the device that Dr. Burkhart gave Duke triangulates where her tech is, and it seems like it's with Destro.  It's at this point where Rock 'n Roll and Stalker appear and manage to get the jump on the boys.

Back at the Pit, it turns out Duke and Clutch are in the cell next to the Baronnes, who proposes an "arrangement."  I'm sure that'll turn out well.

Local Man #7:  Oof, Jack gets it in this issue.

First things first, Jack confirms that whatever drugs the hippies gave him unlocked a new understanding of his powers.  It isn't just that he was able to find solutions when he was high; he realizes that he's always been able to put himself on the right path.  He's explaining this discovery to Brian, who's locked him in jail after overhearing Jack yell at Inga on the phone and mentioning they had sex.  (I imagine Jack's powers are part of the reason he's popular with the ladies.)  But Jack wonders if he wasn't drawn to Inga after taking down Deliverance (I assume the crew selling drugs) because she was behind it all.

At any rate, Jack uses his shoe to knock out Brian, swipe his keys, and escape prison.  He gets his usual Drvr dude and tells him about his situation.  He still doesn't really understand what Inga's doing or why she's doing it, since it involves doing said thing and then building a whole life to cover up the thing she's doing.  When Jack mentions Seascape, the Drvr dude hypothesizes she's a fey, since he and his brother-in-law have been playing a bunch of DnD.  (Ha!)  He explains fey love children, but they go all John Wick when they get hurt.  This statement matches what we saw at the start of the issue, when Seascape grieves when she realizes she killed Michelle, a child.

At this point, Jack's mom calls, and he rushes home to find his dad lying dead in the field, the "Auntie Inga" bag Inga gave him earlier suspiciously close to his body.  At the Future Forum event, Inga reveals Rudy as The Slick 2.0 to some investors.  She then lights a cigarette and sets Rudy on fire!  After panicking, Rudy realizes she's fine, and Inga tells the investors bidding starts at $2 million for this power set.

At the farm, Jack comforts his mother when he sees a tsunami heading to town.  There, Seascape accuses Inga of dumping Michelle's body on her parents' doorstep.  (Two other "whys" here are why Michelle was attracted to Seascape's song and why Inga would leave Michelle's body for her parents to find.)  Jack arrives with the Drvr dude and lets Inga know she killed his dad (another "why" to add to the list).  Inga then asks Jack if he's going to stop her or save Farmington.  

Brian arrives and asks "How do you want to do this, asshole?!"  At first I thought he meant fighting over Inga, but then I realized Brian is Brian and he meant how they were going to save the town.  Jack tells Brian to get his kids and head to high ground and then turns to Slick 2.0 and tells her to start helping people.  Inga tells Brian she'll come with him, and he tells her not to touch him.  Good for you, dude.

Downtown, Drvr guy (quickly becoming my favorite character) is elated because he has Jack throwing horseshoes at Seascape since "'cold iron' is plus five against fey."  Ha!  Jack sends Drvr guy to help folks and then apologizes to Seascape, who stops when she recognizes him. 

 The issue seems to end with Inga leaving Wisconsin, though I don't know if that means that she's going to get the blame for everything that happened in Farmington.  Suddenly, though, at the news station reporting on the tsunami, they play video that Brian sent them showing Jack killing Camo Crusader!  Damn, Brian!

Moon Man #1:  This issue is one of the best debuts I've read in a long time.  Kid Cudi and Higgins present a fully realized cast of characters in just one issue, the type of cast that makes me feel justified every time I find myself criticizing a book for its lack of characterization.  Moreover, it isn't just the protagonists that Kid Cudi and Higgins present so authentically; they make Buckley into a villain with just a few words and a well timed elbow to the ribs.  In other words, they do more here than some authors do over the course of entire series.

The issue starts with Ramon, our protagonist, begging a bunch of scientists to let him and his colleagues go after they've endured six weeks of testing.  When Ramon and his colleagues eventually leave the facility, the press shout questions at them.  Through their responses, we learn Janus —a corporation whose owner's son is Buckley, one of Ramon's fellow crew members — sent them to the Moon so Buckley could be the first man in 50 years to walk on it.  However, they encountered "cosmic turbulence" and disappeared for seven minutes; Ramon was the pilot who managed to return them to Earth.  When the media start focusing on Ramon, Buckley elbows him into a cameraman to retain the press' attention.  As Ramon is trying to help the cameraman pick up his stuff, he suddenly experiences a colorful hallucination.

Ramon returns to his home in Cleveland where his angsty teenage brother, Micah, lives.  Micah veers from expressing hatred for Janus ("[T]hey've cut competition everywhere because they own everything") to Ramon ("You been gone for years.  Why'd you even come back here?") while telling Ramon he's sorry that he didn't make it to the moon.  (Ah, teenagers.)  

Micah leaves for an anti-Janus rally, and Ramon experiences a strength surge, crushing his phone in his hand due to his frustration with Micah, as well as another hallucination.  After seeing the protests have turned violent, Ramon heads to where they're happening to find Micah.  He wears his spacesuit to hide his identify and, when he sees cops nearing Micah, leaps through the air, surrounded by the same colorful energy that he sees in his hallucinations.  The concussion of his landing knocks away the cops, and he and Micah flee.  

Later, Ramon insists to Micah that he didn't fly — it was more like something shifted.  Micah starts criticizing Ramon for not owning his powers, but Ramon lays into him, telling him that it's easy for him to take the high road since Ramon is the one who's been paying his bills since their parents died.  (At one point, Micah criticized Ramon for leaving NASA, and Ramon commented that Janus — and certainly not NASA — was paying their bills.)

Micah acknowledges that Ramon doesn't owe the world anything, but he has a lot to give and it's fair for him (Micah) to want to see Ramon give it in a way that just doesn't serve Janus.  (Fair, Micah.)  Later, Ramon experiences another hallucination in his front yard and demands from the universe to know what the Hell is happening to him.

All in all, it's a spectacular issue.  Kid Cudi and Higgins create such a totally coherent world in just one issue.  You can imagine a scenario where all five crew members develop powers à la Fantastic Four (but not using them altruistically).  You can also imagine Micah's warning that people are going to come after Ramon once they figure out he was the one under the mask coming true.  

I can't wait to see what happens next.

Seven-Month-Old Comics!: The January 17 Top-Shelf Edition - Part Two (HERE BE SPOILERS!)

Star Wars:  Bounty Hunters#42:  The best part of this issue is Sacks weaving events from other series into the story.  For example, Jabba initially intended to use Ajax Sigma's neural core ("Star Wars:  Han Solo and Chewbacca") to power the megadroid ("Star Wars:  Yoda") but instead used Gertee's ("Star Wars:  Dark Droids").  But the rest of the story is also solid, a fitting end to this series.  

Upon arriving at Jabba's Palace, Valance takes out Dengar (and other bounty hunters) before Boba Fett knocks him unconscious, setting up a battle in Jabba's arena with the megadroid.  Of course, Valance didn't come alone; our two favorite couples — Losha and T'onga and For-Elloem and Zuckuss — arrive to help.

In a nice turn of events, Boba Fett was actually helping Valance engineer the battle so that Boba Fett (and not the megadroid) would be Jabba's favorite.  After Losha shoots open the megadroid's chest, Valance successfully destroys Gertee's neural core (which made me sad).  He then radios Chewbacca, telling him that he's on deck to rescue Han now that the megadroid is off the board.  Touchingly, he tells Chewie that Han means a lot to him, prompting Leia to comment, "That scoundrel means a lot to all of us."

The band disbands before Jabba can send more guards, and T'onga and Losha return home.  Losha is stunned to find them where they started, but T'onga explains her vision of turning their farm into a destination hub for bounty hunters.  As she says,  whichever side — the Alliance or the Empire — wins the war, they're going to bring order to the chaos, which'll make it harder for bounty hunters.  She proposes a place where they can form a community.

As she describes her vision, we're treated to a view into what some of our favorite bounty hunters from this series are doing:  Bossk wonders if he made a mistake joining Khel's crew, Dengar is still an idiot, For-Elloem and Zuckuss remain an excellent team, Tasu exults in fighting with his people, and, surprising no one, Vulkorah has a herd of tooka cats.  Also, Yura and Kondra survived the attack on the Rebel base.

Returning to T'onga, her vision would give her the community she's always wanted and the happy ending she deserves, something that I almost can't believe she'd get.  Losha can't believe it either, wondering how they're going to afford it.  Losha then reveals her ace in the hole:  Cadeliah, who's going to bank roll it.  I almost physically applauded this development, it's so perfect.

In other words, Sacks surprised me throughout this issue by wrapping up the stories of characters  that I loved and ones that I had forgotten in ways that were perfect for them.  But he's at his best when he gives us Valance's ending, as he rescues Haydenn from the Imps who've found her.  Valance is sexy AF here, which is great to see, as he struggled with his appearance and its connection to his humanity for so long.  Haydenn happily takes his hand as they ride off into the starlight.

In the end, Sacks uses this issue to remind me how much I loved this series when it met its potential.  I assume ending it was a sales-based decision, and you have to wonder if Disney and Marvel missed the chance to move beyond Valance and Losha and approach the series as an anthology, focusing on some of the great characters we saw here.  At any rate, I'm glad we got them for the time we had, and I hope Sacks is right that it's only good-bye for now.

The Weatherman, Vol. 3 #1:  This issue is honestly the best comic book I've read.  I'm going to list it as an "Issue of the Year Candidate," but I don't see any other issue topping it in the next 12 months.

2752

We begin in 2752 as Ian returns home from active duty to visit his father and stepmother.  His father is a douchebag former football player who put the medals Ian sent him in his closet since he claims he didn't have room for them in his enormous trophy room.  He asks Ian if he's bagged any "off-world fillies" and tells him that he didn't read the letters Ian sent home since he's "not much of a reader."  Ian's father takes him to said trophy room and shows him a Trumpesque portrait he commissioned, depicting him with the ball atop two lines of football players colliding into each other.  When Ian sees the title is "War," he leaves without another word.

Ian heads to the Little Umbrella, a bar where he's supposed to meet someone.  Instead, he's given an enormous surprise party.  When his high-school girlfriend, Ember, puts her hand on his shoulder, he startles and strangles her.  It's clear that Ian was exactly like Nathan back in the day as his "friends" play holos of his greatest hits, like streaking graduation and break-dancing as the prom king.  (I'm not sure why break-dancing got him ejected from prom...)  His friends are douchebags like his father, asking if he's got PTSD or if he's killed anybody.  A rattled Ian bolts from the bar, but Ember follows him and asks him to stay.

This sequence is pretty crushing, honestly.  If LeHeup isn't a veteran, he's certainly done his research, because he nails the disorienting nature of trying to reenter a group of friends that stayed the same when you've become someone else.  Interestingly, Ian is obviously from an affluent background, but we don't get the answer to a question someone shouts at him here, namely why he joined the military in the first place.

Mars 2755

On Mars, Jenner introduces Ian to Advanced Warfare Recruiter Trong, who laments that Ian's leaving the military to return to Earth.  Ian informs him that he has a family back on Earth, and Trong slips him the ORCA Program précis before telling him that he has to be where he belongs.

New York City 2757

Ian is enjoying an ice cream with his daughter, who tells him that she wants to be a weather scientist when she gets older.  When he asks why, she tells him that you make friends talking about the weather, so the more she knows about the weather the more friends she'll have.  (Yeah, it's sad.)  He asks about a stuffed lightning bolt that she's holding, and she introduces her as "Mrs. Lightning Bolt," who keeps her safe when it storms.  

Ian's daughter then asks if she can come live with him, since they could do fun things every day and be "whole people."  Ian asks why she used that term, and she confesses she got in trouble at school again and overheard her step-father tell her mom that she's broken like Ian.  (Oof.  Ian needs to kill this asshole.)  A stern Ian tells her that she isn't broken and she asks if he is.  

On cue, Ember appears, and Ian complains she's early while Ember complains he's late (meaning with child support).  He promises to send the payment the next day, and Ember tells him that she's heard that before.  Ian tells Ember that he needs to see his daughter more, but Ember doesn't think it's a good idea — we learn that Ian just got his second DUI in three months.  Ember tells him that it's his last visit for a while, and Ian says that it isn't her decision.  Ember says Roger (her husband)  is a good lawyer, and Ian tells her that Roger needs to keep that "cliche veteran bullshit" to himself.  Ember shoots back that Roger puts in the work and she doesn't have to worry that he's going to drive her daughter to school while drunk.  (Fair.)  

Ian tells Ember that his daughter is all he has, and Ember softens, telling him that she'll be in touch to formalize things and to take care of himself.  Ian's daughter returns and hugs him, telling him that she loves him and handing him Mrs. Lightning Bolt, since he needs her more than him.  Three days later, Ian joins the ORCA program.

This entire sequence is devastating.  I totally get Ember's position, and it seems pretty clear she's just trying to keep it together for her daughter.  As such, LeHeup makes this development so impactful, as he doesn't make Ember the bad guy.  It's all just sad.

Now (2770)

In an interrogation room, Cross stops Djinn from recounting this story.  She asks how Djinn came by this information, and Djinn tells her that she was a founding member of the Sword of God and part of Jenner's inner circle.  She was also Ian's and Jenner's lover at various times.  Cross asks if Ian and Jenner had any bad blood over that, and Djinn explains that came later.

In the beginning, they were part of the ORCA team, "warriors without peer," that carried out "stealth incursions, high risk rescue ops, arms deals, assassinations..."  Djinn notes that, in the end, they only had each other to maintain their faith in humanity.

Argentina (2760)

Djinn continues her narration as we move to Argentina, where Ian and Jenner are surrounded by hundreds of bodies.  Djinn notes that Ian retained hope, which we see as he opens his canteen and waters a blood-covered plant.  Meanwhile, Jenner looks at a woman who died shielding her baby, and, if I'm reading between the lines correctly, kills the baby as he decides there is no hope for humanity.  According to Djinn, "The only way to end hate, fear, and greed...to end death...is to end life itself."

Now

Cross is flippant here, asking if she means also ending gophers and cilantro.  Djinn is then super convincing - to the point where I was ready to join the Sword - that humanity truly is life's enemy.  She tells Cross she understands that it hurts too much to think of their species as an engine of destruction.  As such, people dismiss the thought but, when they lose someone they love and can't accept our innate destructiveness, they turn to revenge to make sense of the loss.  Djinn says this need for revenge triggers the same cycle of denial and projection that result in destruction.

Venus (2762)

After ORCA is defunded, Ian and Jenner meet again as guns-for-hire, where Jenner recruits Ian to join the Sword of God.  Seemingly knowing Ian is an idealist, Jenner tells him that their goal is to destroy all WMD - starting with extinction grade munitions - to end war.  Ian makes one condition:  they destroy whatever they find.

Now

Djinn informs Cross that Ian recovered the sample and gave it to Jenner.  He tries to kill Jenner when he learns he used it on Earth, but, when Jenner's men prevent him from doing so, Ian breaks free to get to the bomb on time.  Cross asks why Djinn is telling her everything, and Djinn responds that she's denying her the ability to torture her to avoid her own pain — it hurts Cross more to know the truth.  Djinn also mentions a second reason and Cross suddenly realizes that she doesn't know what happened to the girl.

New York City (April 14, 2763)

Ian's daughter is in the park with Ember and Roger when she sees a flash of light.  Ian is in a space ship heading for the site when the blast detonates.  He runs through the crowd fleeing the blast and, on the last page, we see him scream, "Sadie!", the name, if you recall, of the dog he lost in the first issue.

As I said, it's brutal.  LeHeup does a spectacular job of making no one the bad guy.  Instead, they're all people having pretty reasonable responses to the horrible things that they've done and seen.  Not only do I not know where we go from here, but I also don't know who I hope wins.  That, ladies and gentlemen, is the hallmark of a good comic.