Countdown to "'Ah'm Nigh Invulnerable When Ah'm Blastin':" "Ah'm lucky Ah cant' be hurt when I'm blastin'."
This issue kicks of a pretty crazy series of events that takes the New Mutants from encountering a group of D-list celebrities (not Kathy Griffin, unfortunately) to finding themselves trapped in a lost Roman city in the Amazon. The Nova Roma saga (issues #7-#11) is pretty great, but we have to get through mediocre issues #5-#6 to get there.
Summary
Professor Xavier collapses in his study (in front of a suspiciously sexy headshot of a red-headed woman), and Lilandra rushes to him. He explains to her (and us) that his "phantom, psychosomatic pain" persists, preventing him from walking. Lilandra wonders if the problem is actually physical, and Charles panickedly announces the "attack" (conveniently) shattered his mindlink with the New Mutants. Lilandra encourages him to relax, as they're in good hands for the next few hours with Stevie at a carnival.
The kids are enjoying themselves at said carnival when Bobby excitedly recognizes Team America, "unlimited class motorcyclists" he saw perform in Rio before coming to Xavier's. Bobby exposits the team disbanded a few months earlier, and Claremont focuses on their banter to show us why. "Wolf" refuses to lend "R.U. Reddy" his screwdriver, revealing the tension in the group. "Cowboy" encourages them to cool it, as Bobby approaches asking for autographs for his "sister." Cowboy happily signs -- and cannily signs one for Bobby as well -- but Wolf refuses to participate in such foolishness, hurting Bobby's feelings. Cowboy thanks Reddy and Wolf for coming. He laments "Honcho, Wrench, and Georgianna" couldn't join them, but explains their performance that day will not only help charity but also his cycle school. Wolf tells him he stands by his friends, though he and Reddy continue to squabble. The kids take a seat in the stands to watch the show as a mysterious observer standing atop the grandstand complains only half the team is there. She tells her companion, Keniuchio [sic], to make sure to take the targets alive.
During the team's finale, an explosion knocks the guys to the ground as a group of green-clad goons rush Team America. As the crowd stampedes around her, Stevie tells the kids she can't reach Xavier through their mindlink. Sam pledges to help Team America before they're stomped "by a bunch o' goons," but Xi'an reminds him they're not in uniform. Sam notes everyone is fleeing, so they'll be unlikely to see them in the smoke and confusion. Wolf is shocked when Cannonball barrels through a group of goons, and Reddy comments they shouldn't let someone else fight for them. With that, Team America joins the fray as Karma possess one of the goons and has him knock out another one. Stevie manages to throw Xi'an to safety before she's hit by a missile, and she reminds us she's a dancer and teacher, not a superhero. Bobby and Rahne leap into action as Team America run over the goons with their bikes. The mysterious observer and her companion (who she now calls Harada) lament the New Mutants ruining their plan to bring out Team America's mysterious "guardian angel," the Dark Rider. The observer tells Harada to ensure the children do not defeat Hydra, and Harada reveals himself to Stevie and Xi'an to be the Silver Samurai. Xi'an tries to possess him, but he's able to resist, knocking her unconscious with his energy sword. Observing his attack, Sam powers towards him, saying Xi'an better not be hurt. But, his threat is undermined when Harada easily knocks him aside with his sword. Wolf picks up one of the unconscious goons' gun and tells Harada to freeze. However, Wolf hesitates, remembering a recent battle where a man died at his hands, and Harada uses his distraction to throw a throwing star at him.
From nowhere, a black-clad rider appears, but Harada makes quick work of him, evading the motorcycle with a sidestep and then using his sword to cut off the front of the bike. The Dark Rider recovers, landing on one wheel, but Harada then takes out the engine and rear wheel with a pair of throwing stars. He's shocked when he takes off the Dark Rider's helmet, revealing "him" to be Dani. Wishing he could stay to take out the rest of the New Mutants as Bobby and Rahne approach him, Harada picks up Dani and teleports, as Viper instructed him. Meanwhile, Sam recovers, lamenting his inability to maneuver and shocked when he sees a crying Stevie holding an unconscious Xi'an. Stevie asks where Dani is, segueing us to an image of Dani dressed as the Viper. (It's weird. It's like she's wearing hand-me-downs.)
Dani finds herself in a place reminiscent of the Danger Room. She sees a motorcycle and hilariously wonders if a "white rabbit in gang colors" comes next. However, a voice sounds, telling her that she has to escape three large, spiked wheels coming her way and that the bike is her only means of doing so. However, since Dani's never ridden a bike before, she's instantly confused, forced to leap from it as one of the wheels crushes it. One of the other wheels almost crushes her but it stops and Harada appears, telling her to follow him. Dani wonders if she should flee, but realizes she knows nothing about her situation, so fleeing could only make it worse. Harada leads her to Viper, who observes Dani's incompetence on the bike in the testing room belies the fact she rode like an expert at the fairgrounds. Viper asks her connection to Team America, but Dani says she doesn't have one. Viper points out she was the Dark Rider, and a confused Dani stresses she doesn't remember anything. Fueled by her anger, Dani loses control of her powers, showing Viper as a child fleeing the ruins of war-torn Europe. A surprised Viper knocks aside Dani, pledging to kill her eventually for the affront.
At the School, Xavier announces he can't find Dani even with Cerebro. He confirms she's not dead, as he would've sensed that, but posits she's either far from them or shielded from his probes (or both). Colonel Rossi is on had, and he shows Xavier his files on the Silver Samurai, Viper, and the Dark Rider. Rossi explains the Rider is a champion rider and electronics expert, though Dani isn't. Sam asks why Dani would pretend to be the Dark Rider, and Xavier wonders if she had any choice. He fires up Cerebro to ponder an idea, and Stevie thinks about how Xavier reminds her of the demon from "Night on Bald Mountain" when he uses Cerebro, wondering how he doesn't become corrupt given all his powers.
Meanwhile, in Washington, DC, Viper pays a visit to Honcho, telling him he has to assemble Team America and break into an impregnable fortress deep in Mexico's Sierra Madre mountains to obtain a certain object. Honcho refuses, but Viper threatens Dani's life, refusing even to provide proof of life to Honcho. He asks why she wants Team America to accomplish this task instead of her own agents, and she says it's easier to use them. Honcho says he'll do it but can't speak for the others, and she says it has to be all of them for them to have a chance. She tells him the rest of the team will be there by dawn (at her instigation) and they have 24 hours to make the decision. With Team America assembled, Wolf argues Viper doesn't have a hostage, but Honcho asks if they can take that risk. Georgianna asks Wolf if he wants Dani's blood on his hands, but Honcho then points out the fact Viper might not hold up her end of the bargain. A knock on the door interrupts the conversation, and it's Xavier arriving with the New Mutants!
Wolf tells the kids to scram, and Bobby threatens him. Xavier tells Bobby to control himself, and, when Wolf threatens to take him over his knee, Honcho tells Wolf he's acting like a child. He recognizes Xavier as the world's top expert on mutants, and Xavier announces Cerebro confirmed for him Team America is comprised of mutants that create a "projecting gestalt," using their powers to project their abilities on someone to become the Dark Rider. Wolf announces they don't need help from Xavier's "nursery school," and Bobby powers up himself and threatens Wolf. Xavier tells Team America they're responsible for Dani's predicament because they haven't bothered to learn how to use their powers. He tells them he'll help them learn, though Honcho notes he doesn't seem to be offering them a choice. Georgianna tells Xavier he's not being fair, but he responds that it's not fair to Dani either; moreover, their powers come with responsibilities. Wolf threatens Bobby for the cheap shot and tells Xavier he doesn't want to work with the New Mutants. Given the tensions, Xavier agrees, to the New Mutants' fury.
Leaving the apartment, Bobby is devastated over how foolish he was to idolize Wolf, while Xi'an comments how Xavier can't train Team America and save Dani. Xavier mentally projects to them then, saying training Team America gives them enough time to summon the X-Men for backup. He argues Team America's need is greater than Dani's lest they harm an innocent. An enraged Bobby reminds Xavier he asked them to stay at the School, so Dani put her life in his hands. Xavier says he'll have to live with the repercussions of his decision, and Bobby reminds him Dani might not be so lucky. Bobby thanks him for showing how little their lives mean to him, outraging Xi'an. She tells Bobby he's doing what he thinks is best, as they must, which means they have to save Dani without Xavier's help. Xavier doesn't stop them, simply acknowledging to himself how they're unaware of the perils they face and hoping his life is the one sacrificed if necessary.
The Review
Oy, this issue.
First, Team America is as '80s of a concept as I could possibly imagine. I mean, a hair crimper would be jealous of how '80s Team America is. I can see and hear the commercial for the toys, even though I don't know if they even had a commercial. It was the sort of ridiculous conceit that made its way to market back then; your toyline couldn't just have one shtick, it needs several shticks. A great example was "M.A.S.K.," where each element might have worked (transforming trucks! cool masks! magic stones!) but together it just made no sense. (That said, I freaking loved "M.A.S.K.")
To make matters worse, Team America makes even less sense as a result of Claremont having to find some way to connect them to the X-Men. After all, the only reason the New Mutants are involved here is because they happen to be at the fairgrounds when Viper attacks. Claremont tries to square the circle by revealing they're mutants, but that somehow makes matters worse. Five "unlimited class motorcyclists" with exactly the same mutant powers just happened to find each other? Also, assuming they all have the power to project a gestalt, does it have to be the Dark Rider? Could it be someone else? Also, how few guys do they need to do so? Viper insists they all have to agree to help her as she's blackmailing them, presumably because she wants them to summon the Dark Rider. But, Cowboy, R.U. Reddy, and Wolf summon the Dark Rider all on their own here.
Moreover, it doesn't help that Viper's reasons for "recruiting" them barely makes sense. She needs a team of "unlimited class motorcyclists" (sorry, I'll stop with the quotes soon) who summon the Dark Rider to...drive up the Sierra Madre mountains? Wouldn't it have been easier to recruit a group of advanced mountain climbers? Couldn't she just have blackmailed the X-Men? After all, her only leverage here is Dani. How was she going to convince the Dark Rider to work for her if the New Mutants hadn't foiled her plan to capture him?
It seems pretty clear Claremont was given an editorial order to work Team America into the series, because it's the only thing that explains why this issue is so sloppy across the board. It's not just their insufficiently explained mutant powers or Viper's equally unexplained terrorist plot. Just to pick one example, Xavier claims the psychic "attack" he suffered in his den has severed his mindlink with the kids, but he also describes his fall as a psychosomatic "block," very different from an "attack." Moreover, the battle scenes are just bizarre. Team America on several occasions is shown as taking on the HYDRA goons, but it's really unclear how they're doing so. Often, it looks like the goon is jumping backwards from the motorcycle when, in fact, we're supposed to conclude Team America ran into them. But, Team America riders never suffer even a loss of control over their bikes, despite running into 200 lbs. of goon.
On some level, I understand Xavier's predicament here. If he can properly (if hastily) train Team America, they're the best chance he has of saving Dani, particularly if he's able to maneuver the X-Men into backup. (It raises the question of how inaccessible they are right now if he can't just dispatch them immediately. But, let's ignore that question for now.) This way, he's using two teams of adults, instead of a team of adolescents, to save Dani. But, it also assumes Dani can just hang for a few weeks waiting for Team America to be trained. In a way, he's treating her as the type of professional combatant he swore he didn't want the kids to become. In that way, Bobby really isn't wrong here to be outraged by Xavier's callousness.
Turning to the series' ongoing plot, Stevie has noted several times now she's a dancer or teacher, not a superhero. At some point, you'd figure she or Xavier would agree she's maybe not the best person to be escorting the team outside the School, given how frequently they run into trouble. (Along those lines, Stevie, you should probably follow your instincts when it comes to whether or not the Professor's powers corrupt him.)
In other words, to be repeat my first comment, oy, this issue. I'm happy to say it's uphill from here, at least for a while.
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