On the State of Superhero Comics

I realized during my most recent child-related break from comics that I didn't really miss the superhero comics.  I was worried that I'd accidentally read spoilers about "The Realm" or "The Weatherman," but I was only moderately concerned that I'd find out Kindred's identity from Bleeding Cool or Wikipedia.  Given my almost 40 years reading superhero comics, I wondered what the problem was.

Looking at Marvel's current line-up, it isn't hard to identify.  As of this post, Miles Morales is the newest character with an ongoing solo title (he debuted in 2011) followed by Cable (1993) and Eddie Brock as Venom (1988).  (The fact that the Cable of the current title is Kid Cable doesn't really feel like a creative win to me.)  The team comics are a little fresher, particularly after Jonathan Hickman's ingenious rebooting of the X-Men line.  That said, Savage Avengers is the only new team per se.  We've seen many iterations of the Avengers, Champions, Excalibur, Fantastic Four, Guardians of the Galaxy, Hellions, Marauders, New Mutants, Runaways, S.W.O.R.D., X-Factor, X-Force, and X-Men over the years.  With the exception of Champions, all these teams currently feature characters that we've seen on some team or another for the last 30-40 years.  ("Strange Academy" is new but also essentially "Wolverine and the X-Men.")

In other words, same old, same old.  "Champions" has become Marvel's dumping ground for teen superheroes, and they're on their fourth volume in five years.  The Young Avengers pop up every once in a while, but even Kelly Thompson's amazing "West Coast Avengers" couldn't find its footing in the market despite the fact that she provided a real vision of what the Avengers could be after the "Big Three."  Marvel's attempt to add young character doesn't necessarily mean introducing new ones, as they're now trotting out 20- or 30-year-old characters via Power Pack (1984), New Warriors (1989), and Runaways (2003).  Marvel famously attempted to make things younger and/or more diverse a few years ago when it replaced some of its marquee characters with different versions, but they wound up stumbling into the culture wars in so doing.

Even looking at the established characters, Marvel has largely wiped the slate clean of decades' worth of changes.  I'll admit that I've applauded some of those developments.  Nick Spencer has basically undone the excesses of the Joe Quesada and Dan Slott eras of Spider-Man, bringing back a much more familiar version of Peter Parker.  Ta'Nehisi Coates returned Steve Rogers to something reminiscent of the Nomad/Captain era, an appropriate response to the current political and social environment.  And Jonathan Hickman's reboot of the X-Men saved the line for me, as he wisely undid the endless cycle of death and rebirth by simply declaring no one can die now.

But, returning established characters to familiar version of themselves means that the line is all the less fresh.  It means that Marvel has had to sacrifice some of the best new characters of the last few years, such as Rick Remender's Ian Rogers and Jet Black.  (The members of the various "Wolverine and X-Men" lineups are now little more than bit players in the larger X-Men reboot.)  It also means new uses for established characters that reinvigorated them were also out the door, such as Nick Spencer turning Misty Knight and D-Man into Sam Wilson's support staff.  Bucky went from the Man on the Wall to Cap's sidekick yet again in "Invaders."

You'll notice that I haven't even mentioned DC.  I don't even know what to say there.  The only compelling character left in my book is Dick Grayson, and even then it's hard to call him "a" character.  He's been at least five different characters over the last few years, from circus owner to international spy to deadbeat amnesiac.  His amazing ass is basically the only way we're able to recognize him.  DC couldn't even commit to its own reboot, shunting "Doomsday Clock" outside continuity (even if they claim otherwise) before Johns had even finished it.

I understand that the editors and creators are working with the market they have not the market they want, as Marvel's attempts at diversity prove.  (Though, we also have enough evidence of inside resistance that you have to wonder how much support these efforts got.)  You got the sense that they really, really wanted "West Coast Avengers" to work.  But, it's also hard to believe that they're not trolling us at times.  As I've previously mentioned in one of these missives, the aborted marriages of Bruce and Selina and Kitty and Piotr took our hopes for change and dashed them on the rocks.  Yes, Gambit and Rogue got married and even managed a spin-off series, only to be reabsorbed into the X-Borg where they're yet again playing second fiddle to Jean and Scott.

In other words?  I'm not sure how long for the spandex set I am.  Even events like Annihilation - Scourge and Marvel 2099, which should've been right up my alley given my love for the characters, have left me cold.  How many reboots of 2099 can we have?  Also, is Marvel at some point going to trot out an octagenarian Annihilus just so his name can be in "Annihilation Wave - Scourge of the Conquestors:  Amplitude of Doom!"?  I'm giving Empyre a chance but I'm not sure why.

As such, I've decided as I face a year backlog of comics to prioritize non-superhero comics.  I'm bailing on "Batman:  Curse of the White Knight," "The Batman's Grave," and "Detective Comics," leaving "The Last God" as my only DC comic.  I'm down to six superhero comics at Marvel:  "Amazing Spider-Man," "Captain America," "Guardians of the Galaxy," "Marauders," "New Mutants," and "X-Men."  I'll give some limited series a try, but they'll mostly be related to these other series, like "Falcon and Winter Soldier" or "U.S.Agent."  Hopefully, it'll give Marvel sometime to figure out a path to a future that looks different from 1989.

Over-a-Year-Old Comics: The December 18 (2019) Non-Event Edition (HERE BE SPOILERS!)

Guardians of the Galaxy #12:  This issue is how you end a story!  I totally cried with Pete as the original Guardians sat at Raccoon's bedside and Pete told him the galaxy could wait while he got better.  Cates sticks the landing so well here.  As Rocket said, a raccoon doesn't defeat J'Son:  an engineer does, as Rocket rewires the ship's polarity and frees the heroes.  The gang makes short work of J'Son's Drax clones while Rocket reveals that he also programmed the ship to return to its original time.  Lockjaw skedaddles the heroes off the ship as J'Son comes face to face with Thanos and Death at the End of Everything.  Cates took the Guardians to a pretty dark place in this series, but he promises brighter horizons, particularly as we end not only with Pete and Gamora holding hands but also a resurrected Drax.  "Guardians of the Galaxy" was one of the few superhero comics I'm keeping on my pull list, and this issue makes me very glad that I will.

Invaders #12:  This series just sort of ends.  Unsurprisingly, the Invaders win, defeating Machan before he can use his Doomsday machine to flood the world.  (I have no idea why London seems to be the only place flooding or how Spider-Man and the Thing managed to get there so quickly, but it is what it is.)  

The exciting part, for me, was the question of how Cap and the rest of the Invaders would deal with Namor once the threat passed.  The answer?  They just forgive everything because he was an Invader.  Cap doesn't even try to excuse Namor's behavior with Machan, as Namor himself admits that Machan didn't do anything he wouldn't have done.  Cap just says that he can't stay mad at Namor, no matter what we does, because they were Invaders.  Really?  Like, attempted genocide is totally fine if an Invader bro does it?  

Given how grounded in psychology this series was, I was surprised to see Zdarsky take the easy route here instead of giving us a Cap truly wrestling with his responsibilities toward, and his comradeship with, Namor.  Instead, he just shrugs his shoulders.  (Actually, he just has another beer with Bucky and Jim, but you get the point.)

I feel like Zdarsky must've written himself into a corner here, like Claremont did with Phoenix when he revealed that she destroyed a planet.  I wonder if the Powers That Be at Marvel decreed that Cap and Namor had to be buds, because it's the only reason I could see for Zdarsky swerving from the wall at the last minute.

King Thor #4:  I don't know what to say here.  This issue is a sprawling mess, which isn't necessarily bad but also isn't necessarily good.

The first ten pages unfold as expected, with Thor somehow finding the power he needs to defeat Gorr the Necroverse because, as Loki says, "Thor is Thor."  Does that make any sense?  Not really.  It has something to do with Thor spending his whole life defining "worthy" as eliminating his demons, but instead he now realizes that it means embracing them and marshaling his rage and shame into "the storm."  Sure, whatever.  At this point, I'll give Aaron a pass because it's his last time at the trough.  

Then, for lack of a better term, we drift into space.  In the Halls of All-Knowing, Shadrak, "god of imbeciles and imbecility," angers the Librarian by knocking over some Thor tomes.  Shadrak looks through them, and we discover that they detail Thor's exploits before he becomes King Thor.  We're now "treated" to a truly bizarre sequence of pages, with Thor:  as "God Cop," policing other gods; as a world ("Thor the Thunder World") spitting "rune moons made of solid uru;" as an amesiac Lord of the Ice Apes of Jotunheim, etc.  Marvel can't pass the chance to get in some advertisements, as Balder becomes King of the Norns, Jane is shown as Valkyrie, and Sif takes over Heimdall's role.  Then, we finally see our Thor sitting on his throne.  At this point, though, Aaron's overwrought narration has me skimming.  I know that Aaron wanted me to be immersed in this story at this point, and I wanted to be.  I really did.  But, I was mostly just bored and confused.  This feeling of dissociation with the story that I thought Aaron was telling is made worse when we return to Shadrak, who tell us that he's looking forward to reading more Thor stories the next day.  I'm glad he is.

We shift to the future (or present, at this point).  We learn that Gorr survived his encounter with Thor, but he's now a simpleton with no trace of the Necrosword remaining in him.  He lives in a garden on Indigarr, watched by loving gods.  Lest we think that Gorr deserves worse, Aaron reminds us that it's unclear if this outcome is Heaven or Hell for Gorr.  Meanwhile, we also learn that Loki has sacrificed himself to rekindle a dying sun, with Midgard seemingly the sole planet left in creation.  Wrapping up the sacrifices, Thor hands over Mjolnir to the girls and then somehow becomes the new support system for the devastated Universe, the pillar on which creation will rise again.  How?  I don't know.  I guess we'll never know.

In other words, man, I'm disappointed.  It doesn't overshadow Aaron's accomplishments when it comes to this character, but it does make me wish he would've just ended with "War of the Realms."  When I saw "King Thor" marketed, I was worried that it seemed self-indulgent, and it seems that way now.  I guess there's a lesson in there somewhere.

The Last God #3:  This issue is interesting, as with previous ones, more for the stories that we're not being told than the ones that we are.  

We start the issue in the past with Try lying to Cyanthe that her father left the group because he seemed angry.  Cyanthe is devastated, blaming herself for driving away her father after their argument the previous evening.  Veikko knows better, accusing Tyr of murdering Cyanthe's father not because he had the Plague but because Tyr wanted Cyanthe to himself.  As the trio travel, they discover dead Aelvan near the Pinnacle, which Veikko explains humanity made Aelvan slaves build on the ashes of their previous place of power.  Veikko realizes that a beast called an ursulon killed the Aelves and has the trio flee.  The ursulon later finds them, and Veikko assumes that they're goners until Cyanthe realizes why it's enraged:  it's carrying its dead cub in its hand.  Cyanthe uses her teymsong to quiet the beast, allowing them to share a moment of grief over their lost family members.  It's a really touching moment, a rare show of emotion so far in a series that prides itself on how such feelings don't have any place in such a cruel world.  Veikko watches in wonder, having previously asserted that only Aelvan prayers have power.

In the present, Cyanthe, Eyvindr, and Veikko make their way to the Pinnacle, where Eyvindr witnesses the meager conditions that the people in his hero's empire endure due to Tyr's negligence.  Cyanthe announces Eyvindr will stay at the Pinnacle after she and Veikko recruit Skol and her Eldritch Knights to travel to the Black Stair; after they win, he'll return to the slave cradles "where [he] belong[s]."  As the arrive at the Pinnacle, Eyvindr announce that he's leaving for the Stair on his own, tired of what he (correctly and incorrectly) sees as Cyanthe's lies.  She seemingly lies again, telling him that he can't go to the Stair because Mol Uhltep told them that Eyvindr would be the one to bring about the end of the world.  Cyanthe claims that it's because Eyvindr appeared in the arena in the yellow-tin crown reading all "[Tyr's] old lies" to him, a reference to the "true crown hidden by a false one of gold" prophecy.  It seems pretty clear that Eyvindr is the true crown of the prophecy, with Tyr's being the false one, despite Cyanthe seemingly implying otherwise.  Moreover, Cyanthe's spin doesn't explain the flashback that we saw in the first issue, of Tyr seemingly trying to kill an infant Eyvindr, since it's unclear how he knew Eyvindr would one day become the man in the arena.  That said, Eyvindr still isn't having any more of Cyanthe's lies.  He starts to leave, when Mol Uhltep appears to them in the form of a dead woman and her child sitting on the bridge.  He sends the Plague after them and the issue ends with Eyvindr plunging off the bridge in the melee.  

Star Wars:  Empire Ascendant #1:  This issue is sloppy, signified by the fact they accidentally switched two of the interstitial pages.  The main story is treacly, its concluding page's dialogue reading like something a middle schooler would've written.  The Vader story is fluff, not even attempting to tell a story that we've seen a thousand times already, about how ruthless Vader is, particularly when it comes to prizing victory over failure.  The Beilert story is the best of the lot, as the Aphra story is hindered by heavy narration via holovid that doesn't even sound like Aphra.  In the end, it feels like a money grab.  It's a shame, too, because I feel like it was Marvel's chance to tell a few pre-"Empire Strikes Back" stories that it didn't get to showcase during the initial "Star Wars'" run.  Instead, it's a forgettable issue that has me eager for the real story getting under way.

Star Wars:  The Rise of Kylo Ren #1:  Soule has an unenviable task here, as he's forced to impose some form of coherence to both the Knights of Ren and Kylo Ren himself.

Rian Johnson famously axed the Knights of Ren in "Star Wars:  The Last Jedi," only for JJ Abrams to reinstate them as Ren's own Praetorian Guard in "Star Wars:  The Rise of Skywalker."  Despite their appearances (or not, as the case may be), we never really got an explanation for who they were.  In terms of Ren himself, he's constantly switching personalities, bouncing among confident, desperate, focused, and shattered.  Soule not only has to try to forge a consistent vision of Ren but also needs to make us care despite the fact that we all know (spoiler alert if you haven't seen "Star Wars:  The Rise of Skywalker") that he dies in the end.

This issue is at its best when Soule tries to address the Knights of Ren.  Soule seems to imply that "ren" was the name of the Force "long ago," with the Knights dedicated to its service.  Although it's clear that the Knights aren't good guys (they are, after all, trying to recruit a kid who brags about killing over 100 people), it isn't clear that they're formally aligned with the Sith either.  The Knight's leader refers to a "friend" providing them names of Force-sensitive potential recruits, who I at first thought meant Snoke since I didn't initially realize that we were seeing a scene in the distant past.  I'm assuming that it's a Sith, but I guess we'll see.

Soule struggles a little with Ren, but it really isn't his fault.  Ren is as sniveling as Luke was in the first trilogy.  When three of his cohort from Luke's temple return to find everyone -- including, they think, Luke -- dead, Ren is outraged that they don't believe him when he tells them that Luke tried to kill him.  He's alternatively vicious and appalled as he fights them, never dealing a killing blow despite his at-times blood-thirsty rhetoric.  He reads almost like Two-Face at times, more mentally ill than someone struggling to reconcile the life he thought he was living with the circumstances in front of him.

Overall, though, it's a good start.  Soule has shown an ability in previous work to mine newfound insights to characters with muddled histories, so I'm optimistic that he can do the same with Ren here.

Over-a-Year-Old Comics: The December 18 (2019) Event Edition (HERE BE SPOILERS!)

Annihilation - Scourge:  Omega #1:  This issue is fine if not formulaic.  Nova "sacrifices" himself to the Cancerverse because it now turns out the Cancerverse wasn't really interested in the Sentry but in Nova because he somehow survived it.  But, based on solicitations for "Guardians of the Galaxy," we know that Nova doesn't die so it's no surprise when Annihilus somehow heals him...despite his Cancerverse-containing body having 'sploded when the Senry eye-beamed it.  I mean, that sentence right there tells you everything you need to know about the state of superhero comics.

Marvel 2099:  Omega #1:  This issue is a mess, from the shifting art styles to the hurried narrative leaps.

Essentially, old Miguel reveals that he's some form of "our" Miguel (whatever that means anymore).  He beseeches the new Miguel to become Spider-Man to break Doom's hold on Earth.  It's still unclear to me how Doom managed to go all "Age of X-Man" here, so I guess that I have to hold out hope Spencer makes that clear in "Amazing Spider-Man" #36.  If we accept that we'll get an answer to this core question, then it's a little easier to move with the story.  

Gabe uses Miguel's biometric account to upload Miguel's experience in the Ravage to an offline database.  (I'm still not entirely sure what revealing Miguel's experience in the Ravage to the public is supposed to do.  The public has to realize the corporations aren't exactly working in their best interest.  I just assume that they know that they can't do much about it.  Moreover, as far as I can tell, the only controversial part of Miguel's trip to the Ravage was the realization that Alchemax wasn't making mutants, prolonged exposure to the Ravage was.  Is that really enough to usher in the revolution that Gabe seems to want?  It actually seems to let Alchemax off the hook...)  This unauthorized access prompts Tyler to send drones to destroy Miguel's apartment, not knowing that he's really killing Gabe.  

Although new Miguel had resisted old Miguel's efforts to get him to become Spider-Man, he accepts it in the wake of Gabe's murder, altering his DNA as he learned to do in the Ravage.  At this point, new Miguel is presumably cured of his Rapture addiction (like in the original series) and becomes Spider-Man.  Based on what old Miguel says here, his appearance should inspire new 2099 heroes to rise against Doom, presumably resetting the timeline to whatever the "normal" 2099 timeline is at this point.  

As I've (repeatedly) mentioned, the 2099 timeline is so muddled from years of contradictory storylines (i.e., poor editing) that I'd really welcome any reboot that returns us to stories featuring a recognizable Miguel and his cast of characters.  I guess all hope lies in "Amazing Spider-Man" #36.  I won't hold my breath.

Over-a-Year-Old Comics: The December 11 (2019) Non-Event Edition (HERE BE SPOILERS!

Star Wars:  Target Vader #6:  I'll admit this issue's crosses and double-crosses were difficult to follow given that it's been months since I read issue #5.  (When exactly did we meet Gwi?  Did we ever previously hear about Cavic?)  But, Valance is a great character, an even more broken version of Han Solo.  He passes up his score to get the Rebellion to resettle the people from his village in exchange for the weapons.  I'm looking forward to the upcoming "Star Wars:  Bounty Hunters" series, because I can't get enough of these Outer Rim stories.

Undiscovered Country #2:  Snyder and Soule make it clear that this series is going to be a page turner as this issue is full of crosses and double-crosses.  (Seems to be a theme this week.)  For example, we learn the Alliance and the Zone have tried to make side deals with Daniel to steal Sky just for their empire.  But, the biggest surprise is that Daniel is (theoretically) working for the Destiny Man.  Obviously, Daniel made it a little farther into America than he's told people.

The issue starts with Dr. Elgin arriving at the Graves' home 30 years ago to send away Charlotte and Daniel; both parents apparently work for him and, presumably, Aurora.  The present-day Elgin is a nut job of the highest order.  He continues to claim that he received a prophecy that Charlotte and Daniel would save the land and believes that he has to walk them through the Spiral to do so.  

We come to learn that America is full of different states -- not just physical ones according to Elgin but also mental states.  Walls divide them and we learn that the Destiny Man has the key but doesn't know where the door to the next "state" is; Elgin does, however.  He wants the team to recover Bukowski because they'll need a pilot to move to the next state.  Daniel insists that they saw Bukowski die, but Elgin is pretty sure that they'll question him before they kill him.  (We see that Elgin is right, as the Destiny Man threatens to put Bukowski on "the wall" if he doesn't cooperate.  He also comments, referring to Aurora, that "she let you in," when Bukowski insists that they were invited.)

Despite Chang and Janet wanting to beat the answer from Sam and flee America, Charlotte reminds them that they need the cure.  (For his part, Ace wants to stay in America as long as possible.)  Daniel agrees that they need to flee, but also stresses that they need to free Bukowski to do it.  (I have my doubts that Daniel couldn't repair and fly the helicopter, but the revelation that he's working for the Destiny Man explains why he'd pretend they need Bukowski.)

The team attempts to enter the Destiny Man's headquarters, and Charlotte is disturbed when Daniel kills one of the guards.  He tells her that he's what she thinks he is:  he's done bad things and made bad deals.  But, he's trying to make amends.  Daniel has everyone put on the robes the guards were carrying and goes ahead to engage in recon.  In reality, he meets the Destiny Man's lieutenant, who tells him that the way has been cleared and asks if he's ready to fulfill his destiny.  Revealing the Destiny Man's tattoo on his (very, very taut) stomach, he tells the lieutenant that he's ready to do what "was agreed."

Also Read:  Dungeons & Dragons:  Infernal Tides #1

Over-a-Year-Old Comics: The December 11 (2019) Event Edition (HERE BE SPOILERS!

It's been a while!  We had another child so I'm now officially 15 months behind the time.  I'll address that in a subsequent post, but let's move through the posts I had sitting in my draft folder first, shall we?

Annihilation - Scourge:  Beta Ray Bill #1:  This issue is as straight-forward as they come.  Bill and Lockjaw help save a planet from a monster, and they hang around a few days to join in the celebrations.  It conveniently means that they're on hand when the Sentry bursts into the Positive Zone.  Bill is quickly overwhelmed, but he manages to use Stormbreaker to hurl the Sentry back into the Negative Zone.  With the planet saved, he and Lockjaw head into the Negative Zone to retrieve Stormbreaker, as Bill has now reverted to his mortal form.  The most interesting moment comes when the Cancerverse's Dr. Strange initially possesses the planet's inhabitants.  Bill eventually defeats Strange, and the inhabitants revert to their normal forms, implying that, at least initially, the Cancerverse's corruption isn't permanent in the Positive Zone.  We'll see how relevant that is.

Annihilation - Scourge:  Silver Surfer #1:  This issue is perhaps the most consequential of all four one-shots.  It's tough going at first as it essentially serves as a post script to "Silver Surfer:  Black," which I didn't read.  Abnett does a solid job of walking us through Norrin's new status quo:  he's now intangible, and he fears that he's somehow part of the threat that he senses approaching the Universe.  He's also on hand when another tear in reality's fabric occurs, and he follows it into the Negative Zone.  He makes relatively quick work of the Cancerverse's Captain Marvel and Ronan, though he's forced to flee as more Revengers come his way.  He's surprised when they don't follow him into a planetary debris field, but he soon discovers why:  Bob Reynolds' human self is there.  Bob explains to Norrin that Mr. Fantastic was correct:  the Negative Zone could cure him.  But, the problem is how he was correct:  when Bob absorbed the Negative Zone's energy, it split him and the Void in two.  The Sentry that we've been seeing is the Void, not Bob.  The Cancerverse then drew the Void to it, which worked well given their complementary belief systems.  Bob informs Norrin that he's dying, since he's an incomplete being.  Norrin then realizes that he was part of this event not because he was connected to some sort of death energy, as he previously expected, but because he and Bob were both incomplete beings who could help.  He then merges with Bob, and they are presumably headed to find the Void.

Doom 2099 #1:  This "event" has been less an event and more glimpses into the new version of 2099 Marvel is pushing.  We still don't really have any idea why this new version of 2099 is different than the previous versions of 2099.  But, Marvel long ago seemed to abandon any commitment to continuity when it came to the 2099 line; I spent most of the recent "Spider-Man 2099" series just trying to piece together where exactly Miguel's new history (sigh) diverged from his old history (*sob*).  I'd look past it (yet again) if I thought we'd eventually get a new 2099 line, though I doubt it, particularly with the impact coronavirus has had on the comic industry's plans. 

At any rate, this issue is the best of the lot so far.  The previous issues haven't been bad, per se, but they all felt like the one-shots that were:  origin stories for characters we're unlikely ever to see again.  The Doom that Zdarsky gives us here is less ephemeral, since he's (theoretically) the Doom that we already know.  Zdarsky shows Reed Richards in our near-future trying to convince Doom to abandon his path as the United Nations prepares to invade Latveria.  Doom refuses, and Reed frantically tries to activate a time platform to buy more time.  Doom tries to stop him and ultimately awakens in 2099.  Initially amnesiac, he eventually confronts his future self who remembers the moment of how he first came aware of his new reality.  I don't remember how the the original Doom 2099 originally came to 2099, but by showing us how this one did (if it's different) Zdarsky at least gives us a greater connection to the characters.  It's no surprise that he, of all the authors, finds a way to do so.  But, he also has a trick up his sleeve as, on the last page, he reveals that the new Doom has Mr. Fantastic's powers.  

Unfortunately, we're not told why this new Doom's trip to 2099 would result in a different outcome than the one the existing Doom 2099 remembers.  But, maybe we'll get there at some point.  I only later realized that Doom is the person forging something from "Marvel 2099:  Alpha" #1, since Doom tells Uatu that he'll send the Kingpin after him, as he does here.  Uatu predicted Doom meant this Doom, and I'm guessing new Doom is the Doom who sends back Miguel in "Marvel 2099:  Alpha"#1.  Confused?  Me, too.  But, Zdarsky gives it the ol' college try here so I'm at least willing to see where we go.

Spider-Man 2099 #1:  I honestly have no idea what story Spencer is telling here, given the way that it ends.

The first 29 pages seem to laying the groundwork for new Miguel's origin story.  We learn that anyone working for Alchemax has to agree to take Rapture.  It enhances your cognitive functions, but it means that you're addicted to it; missing a dosage is lethal.  Although coming from a different angle, it's in line with the original "Spider-Man 2099" storyline where Miguel was similarly hooked to Rapture, though I can't quite remember why.  We also learn more about the mutated spider-man that we first saw mentioned in "Marvel 2099:  Alpha" #1.  A month ago Miguel visited Alchemax's lab in the Ravage to investigate the mutants it created hoping to find some new application for the research, since he hadn't invented anything for a while.  Miguel knows little about them, expositing that they're just rumors in Nueva York.  But, he finds little to replicate; the mutations occur simply because of the time people spend in the Ravage.  One night, he hears a spider-man mumbling.  He goes to investigate, and it attacks him, screaming "ouroboros," the same word the new Doom said to the existing Doom in the hope of disabling the Doombot.

In the present, Miguel is trying to deal with his Rapture addiction by seeking it from a pusher Downtown.  In exchange, he subjects himself to Mystique, which allows the pusher to steal his social credits for a while.  However, the pusher (who Miguel at one point hallucinates as the Green Goblin) wants more than the bargain, pledging that he's going to put good use to Miguel's credits.  Gabe and a group of Vultures save Miguel.  We learn that Gabe works in the boroughs trying to save the Thorites.  He disapproves of Miguel working for Alchemax, but he admits that Miguel had to do it to provide for him and his mother after their father died.  Here, Spencer is also staying true to Miguel and Gabe's original dynamic, though I'm not displeased to see an idealistic, instead of idyll, Gabe here.  (Gabe also brings Miguel to St. Patrick's cathedral, which made me smile.)  Miguel accuses Gabe of being overly idealistic, and Gabe admits that the Thorites and Vultures are brutally violent.  Like Miguel, he doesn't feel like he has a choice, since someone has to help the people born into the boroughs.  I liked Spencer emphasizing how both O'Hara brothers were essentially stuck on their own sides in situations they don't like.  At this point, Miguel leaves.  Gabe finds Miguel's Mystique pin, and he seems ready to use it to expose Alchemax's wrongs, something he pushed (to no success) Miguel to do. Meanwhile, Miguel hallucinates Spider-Man 2099 appearing before a graffiti-ed "ouroboros," and it seems like his powers are ready to manifest. 

At this point, I'm pretty happy.  As I've laid out here, Spencer is engaged essentially in a soft reboot of Spider-Man 2099, since most of the developments are similar to the ones that we saw in the original series.  However, Spencer then goes totally off the rails.  Miguel's powers don't manifest as expected.  Instead, he begins to "remember" "our" 2099, including the iconic first moments of "Spider-Man 2099" #1 where Miguel is escaping the Public Eye.  He collapses, only to find an old man standing over him who claims to be him.  Yeah, I have no clue either. 

Given that I enjoyed the first 29 pages, I'm also willing to give Spencer a chance here, depending on where this story ultimately goes.  But, as someone for whom Spider-Man 2099 is essentially this blog's totem figure, I also admit that I'm worried that I'll once again be disappointed that Marvel just can't capture the magic that Peter David did on the original series.