Not-Even-Remotely-New Comics: The June 19 "War of the Realms" Edition (HERE BE SPOILERS!)

Spider-Man and the League of the Realms #3:  One of the problems of being a Spider-Man fan is that Marvel often takes advantage of that fact during events to produce exactly this sort of mini-series.  They know you'll buy it, and you do.  More often than not, the author barely has a grip on Spider-Man's character or events occurring in his life, and you spend most of the series mad.  (If I remember correctly, "Fear Itself:  Spider-Man" was particularly abysmal.)  This series wasn't quite so bad, but it certainly wasn't good.  Peter is excessively upbeat here, like when Kurse appears to break Sir Ivory's back after he throws himself in its path to save Peter:  Peter makes a bad joke about Ivory saving his back.  To make matters worse, situations change panel from panel.  Ivory seems paralyzed, then he's standing on his own, then he's lying on the ground at the very end.  Similarly, Fernande is homicidal, then suicidal, then homicidal again.  Ryan wants us to believe the troll member of the League convinced her to fight for what's beautiful or something like that.  But, it's so trite that it's hard to believe that it works on Fernande, particularly since she rebuffed Spider-Man's earlier attempts to help her in this way.  In other words, it's just a mess and very, very easily skippable unless you're really invested in Kurse's story.

War of the Realms:  Journey into Mystery #5:  Man, I'm going to miss this series.  The combination of the McElroys and Araujo is definitely one that I'd seek out again, given the fun but also heartfelt story we got here.  Ares finding himself in the embrace of the team after it turns out Laussa choreographed everything to build her own army was touching, as was Sebastian telling him about how Phobos would've done him proud when they were in the Secret Avengers together.  I can't remember a team put together for an event that I've enjoyed more.  At the very least, I hope Thori appears in Miles' book often, like Lockjaw in Kamala's!

Also Read:  War of the Realms:  War Scrolls #3

Not-Even-Remotely-New Comics: The June 19 DC Edition (HERE BE SPOILERS!)

Batman #73:  At this stage, my fervent hope is that, the day after DC publishes his last issue, Tom King tweets, "Can you believe I got DC to pay me all that money to set a bunch of public-domain poems and songs to pictures?"  Because King engaged in some sort of long-game prank would be the only thing that would make this travesty of a run make sense.

Honestly, I don't know why I'm still reading.  I guess I'm desperately hoping that King has some ace up his sleeve (and that Martha in a coffin in the desert isn't it).  Ah, hope.  Such a foolish thing.  At this point I feel like you might accuse me of ad hominem attacks on King, but I fell like this issue, like its predecessors, is a failure if you measure it against any objective set of criteria.

First, the plot itself makes no sense.  It's partly due to the DCnU/Rebirth ret-cons muddying the waters.  King confirms that Bane broke Batman's back last issue, but it's hard to tell if it's the second time that he did so or if "Knightfall" never happened in the DCnU/Rebirth Universe.  Either way, Thomas has fixed Bruce's back off-panel.  Surgeons!

But, it goes beyond the DCnU/Rebirth problems.  We're supposed to believe that Bruce has been unconscious for days and days and days.  He was unconscious long enough for Thomas Wayne to fix his back, bring him to Khadym, and then drag him halfway through the desert without Bruce batting an eyelid.  I assume that King wants us to assume that Thomas has drugged Bruce, but maybe King could've skipped one of the dozens of panels where Thomas is singing "Home on the Range" and have him actually mention that?  Like, why have an author if we're just going to guess the plot?  Just give all the money to Janín and we can make up our own dialogue in our heads!

We also have no idea why Bruce or Thomas does what he does here, particularly given that their actions don't really make any sense based on who we understand them to be.  For example, Bruce pointedly asks Thomas why he worked with Bane, but Thomas doesn't answer.  After all, if Thomas really just wanted Bruce to come with him to resurrect Martha, he could've just drugged him at the outset.  Seriously.  If we're to believe that Bruce doesn't have a resistance to whatever drug Thomas is presumably using here, we could've also believed that he was susceptible to it without the whole Bane subplot.  Moreover, even when he eventually awakened, as he does here, Bruce Wayne would not be OK with resurrecting Martha.  If Bruce wanted to put Martha in one of the Lazarus Pits, he had decades to do so.  But, Bruce didn't.  He did for his son, but he didn't do it for his mother.  Maybe King is just asking us, hey, why didn't Bruce resurrect his parents but resurrected Damian?  Honestly, that's not a bad question.  But, he isn't asking that.  I don't know what he's asking, but I'm pretty sure it's not that.  So, I don't buy that Bruce just basically shrugs his shoulders and follows Thomas into the desert to do it now.  I'm pretty sure Bruce would be aware that Gotham probably isn't doing great under Bane's control and would want to return to Gotham immediately.  Instead, he and Thomas share a hug, and he all but starts calling him "Daddy."

I just can't with this series anymore.  I guess I'll hang in there until issue #85, but, man, it's going to be rough.

Nightwing #61:  This series is pretty much the only DC one I'm left enjoying (putting aside limited series like "Doomsday Clock" and "The Wild Storm").  In this arc, Jurgens has so far done a solid job of using the mysterious flame monster (or "Burnback" as Sapienza calls him) to allow each member of Team Nightwing to shine.  But, this issue fell flat for me, as Jurgens leans on way too much narration to explain that Hutch's former partner -- the comatose cop at the center of the drama -- was a metahuman who could subconsciously summon the flame monster.  Moreover, they don't actually know that; they're just like, "Huh, guess the guy was a metahuman.  Brewskis anyone?".  We also don't really get an explanation of how Burnback knew where to strike.  Simply because he could summon a flame monster doesn't mean he can somehow keep telepathic tabs on his daughter, right?  Whatever.  After "Doomsday Clock" and "The Wild Storm" end, I might be done with DC.

Not-Even-Remotely-New Comics: The June 12 X Edition (HERE BE SPOILERS!)

Age of X-Man:  The Marvelous X-Men #5:  As in "Age of X-Man:  Prisoner X" #4 and "Age of X-Man:  X-Tremists" #4, everything falls apart pretty quickly here, as the X-Men realize that they've been duped.  It starts to go downhill when they learn that someone has killed Moneta in her search for Colossus.  Nature Girl speaks to the bacteria at the scene (sure) to discover Apocalypse did it.  But, the bacteria somehow also show Nature Girl what Moneta saw when she used her powers on Apocalypse, revealing the moment when Nate converted him into Hippie-pocalypse.  The truth revealed, the X-Men confront X-Man.  I'm long past caring about this event since, again, it's just been the same issue over and over again in each series.  But at least it ends soon, I guess?

X-Force #9:  I enjoyed this series, but it goes to hell in a handbasket here.  After initially attacking X-Force in their first encounter, Blaquesmith magically stops time, allowing X-Force to escape the MLF to go save Cable from Stryfe.  In a great example of pet peeve #3, Warpath reminds Blaquesmith that they told him that they were in the future to save Cable.  Domino even suggests he could've just read their minds if he though they worked for Stryfe  Of course, Blaquesmith simply replies that he doesn't have to justify his motivations to them.  Sure, OK.  Blaquesmith then continues with the magic, creating holographic (telegraphic?) images of X-Force to continue fighting the MLF, buying them time to escape.  But, his plan doesn't work, as the MLF realizes Blaquesmith's trickery and Zero returns them to Stryfe's HQ just in time to confront X-Force.  Stryfe is (rightfully) furious that his plan to destroy Clan Askani failed.  The MLF engages Boomer, Domino, and Warpath, but Rachel emerges from the telepaths' control in time to save them.  Meanwhile, Deathlok tries to cut Cable from his techno-organic virus.  (I'm not sure how exactly that works, but, again, OK.). In other words, it's all just a mess.  I'm surprised Brisson didn't mention Domino's luck powers, so often things go X-Force's way in this issue.  This series had such potential, but Kid Cable has been disabled for two issues and everyone else seems just to punch each other waiting for him to return.

Not-Even-Remotely-New Comics: The June 12 Non-X Edition (HERE BE SPOILERS!)

Amazing Spider-Man #23:  This issue feels slapdash, but it does what it needs to do.  Spencer ticks off the list of future threats emerging from "Hunted," with the Vulture reforming the Savage Six, Kraven, Jr. assuming the mantle of Kraven the Hunter, and the Chameleon thanking Sergei (at his grave) for sparing him the Hunt and pledging destruction and doom in the future.  But, most importantly, Spencer thankfully throws out the "Women in Refrigerators" plot, as we learn MJ's injury came from slipping on Peter's costume and putting an arm through the coffee table.  (She seems pretty OK given the severity of the cuts that should involve.)  The creeper Goblin we previously saw hanging over her has taken the form of an inchworm -- yeah, I don't know how either -- observing Peter tearfully hugging her.  The inchworm -- er, Goblin -- exposits that he's keeping MJ safe from her greatest threat -- Peter -- so that they can be together.  If we were dealing with the post-collegiate versions of these characters, I'd say the creeper Goblin was Harry Osborn, but that makes less sense now.  I guess we'll see, though I admit I have problems caring?  Like, I thought the joy of Spencer getting MJ and Peter back together was that he'd avoid these sorts of clichés.  Oh, well.

Detective Comics #1,005:  I'll be honest that I'm not sure why DC felt the need to introduce the Arkham Knight to the comics continuity.  In the video game, it was Jason Todd, thought killed by the Joker.  As we learned last issue, it's now Jeremiah Arkham's secret daughter, Astrid.  Raised in Arkham surrounded by convicts, she believed that Batman was the bad guy, particularly after he allegedly killed her mother.  It's a lie Jeremiah allowed to persist because it meant that he could escape culpability in wife's death.  (What a therapist, this guy.)  After her previous dry run of setting off a small sun in Gotham, Astrid now tries to blind Gotham's citizens so they can't see Batman.  To her, he's an agent of the darkness and shadows so, if everyone is blind, his power over them fades.  In other words, she's crazy.  For all the hoopla of introducing the Knight, it just feels so ho-hum, yet another lunatic with some diabolical plan that Batman easily foils.  (Also, why go with the dry run and alert Batman to your existence?  Why not just blind everyone from the get-go?)  The end sequence of Batman and Robin surveying the city days later feels directly lifted from a "Batman:  The Animated Series" episode, the first time I've felt that way about Tomasi's writing.

Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man #7:  I've been enjoying this series a lot, but this issue is an unfortunate miss.  Taylor leans very, very heavily into eye-rolling clichés, from Marnie telling Peter that she didn't know May was a superhero to the cartoonishly villainous local businesspeople who prompt May's aforementioned "super heroics" when confronting her about opening F.E.A.S.T.  It all feels rushed, as Taylor is more than capable of providing a better script that got across the same message.

Invaders #6:  Zdarsky continues to make this series tense and unexpected as something that almost never happens in the Marvel Universe does here:  the heroes lose.  Cap fails to stop Namor from launching his bomb, which turns 3,000 people in a coastal Maine town (as well as Nay and Roman) into Atlanteans.  Zdarksy also doesn't avoid pinning blame on Steve; in a character-honest approach, he has Tony frequently point out the fact that he told Steve they needed to act and not try to reason with Namor.  I'm intrigued to see if Steve doubles down next issue on his belief that he can save Namor or if he accepts that he's too far gone.

Transformers #7:  I had been disappointed by the slow pace of this series, but Ruckley really kicks it up a notch here.  I can't believe he actually killed off Rubble!  Bumblebee is devastated, and LaFuente and Burcham do a spectacular job here using the all-yellow panels to convey his grief, letting us know Rubble is dead before we're told. That event is the catalyst for all sorts of developments.

First, Ratchet informs Prowl that the modus operandi is different from the one that Brainstorm's murderer used, meaning that Cybertron has two different killers on the loose.  Bumblebee isn't the only Transformer feeling guilt, as Prowl tells Chromia that he's going to get revenge, blaming himself for not finding the Voin more quickly.  Ironhide informs Orion that Sentinel Prime, Starscream, and Nautica will all return from their colony tour once they reach the nearest Spacebridge; Ironhide isn't sure if it's a good or a bad thing.

Bumblebee visits the Ascenticon Guard after his conversation with Senator Soundwave last issue.  Bumblebee tells Elita-1 that he needs to do something, as Cybertronians are dying, but Refraktor and Skytred make it clear that they don't want a Security reject on the team.  Elita-1 isn't buying their toxic masculinity, telling Bumbleebee that the Guard wants to bring about the orderly and safe change that must come, as the Autobots' way of restraint is clearly not helping anyone.  (Ruckley does a great job here of showing how the Ascenticons have a point.  I'm also assuming Ascenticons are behind the murders.)  But, Skytred can't keep his mouth shut and teases Bumblebee over Rubble's murder, sparking a fight between them and Refraktor.  Elita-1 breaks up the fight, and Bumblebee notes that he isn't wanted, but also wonders where Quake is.  (Dun-dun-DUN!)

Meanwhile, Cyclonus is clearly cuckoo for cocoa puffs, as he's haunted by the ghosts of Gridlock, Highfire, and an unidentified Transformer.  Gridlock says Cyclonus is broken after Highfire wonders why he would hang around the Memorial Crater, the site of the last battle in the war "against the Threefold Spark."  It seems the three frequently haunt Cyclonus (who Gridlock calls "boss").  Highfire encourages Cyclonus to stay focused on the "mission," but Gridlock tells him that he's wasting his time, because the war has ended and "Exarchon's gone."  Cyclonus says that no one knows that, and he's surprised when he finds a loose cable at the Crater, part of his lament that no one is performing the necessary upkeep.  He's surprised again when a smallish Transformer opens fire on him.

Again, Rubble's murder really injected some much needed energy into this series.  I'm intrigued to see where we go from here.

Also Read:  Star Wars:  Vader - Dark Visions #5

Not-Even-Remotely-New Comics: The June 5 Edition (HERE BE SPOILERS!)

Age of X-Man:  Prisoner X #4:  Like the other series in this event, this issue covers the same ground that we've previously covered without adding anything particularly new or interesting.  The only real development is Dani putting to words what we've all already known, that every time someone manages to break free of Nate or Legion's control their control over everyone else slips.  As such, it's no surprise that Bishop is able to get a full-scale riot going here.  But, it's still unclear what role Legion plays in it:  I can't tell if he encourages Forge to release the power-dampening collars or if Forge did it on his own.  I honestly can't say I care all that much at this point.  This entire event is just an awkward transition as we move to whatever mess Hickman plans on making.

Batman #72:  Every time I think this series can't get worse and more repetitive, it does.  I have to give King that, I guess.

Guardians of the Galaxy Annual #1:  This issue is interesting in that it maintains the main series' modus operandi, focusing not just exclusively on the Guardians team as we traditionally know it but also including the various Marvel Cosmic characters as well.  As a Nova and Quasar fan, I was of course most interested in their story.  I thought Ewing did a great job teasing out their characters through their dispute, as Rich criticizes Quasar's breezy optimism as a sign that he's lost touch with reality given his dealings with cosmic entities like Galactus.  The conversation starts with Rich admitting to Quasar that he's on "therapeutic leave" after he watched the Skrulls destroy one of their renegade worlds.  He had just saved a family from a group of Skrull soldiers when Adsit tells him that the Skrulls had withdrawn from the Pan-Worlds Treaty and revoked the Nova Corps jurisdiction over the planet.  Adsit compels him to leave just before the Skrulls destroy the planet.  Rich observes to Quasar that the Kree and Shi'ar are likely to withdraw as well, meaning galactic war is coming.  Quasar essentially tells him that he's sure everything will be fine, prompting Rich's criticism.  In an obvious parallel to our current era, Rich tells Quasar that he's on the front lines dealing with real people.  He sees the hard-liners taking over the political system, the galactic economy collapsing after years of inequality and upheaval, etc.  He warns Quasar that people like him are looking for a Thanos, when it's really the 30-credit beer that sparks revolution and chaos.  Sound familiar?

Spider-Gwen:  Ghost Spider #9:  As I think I've mentioned, I feel like this series has gotten increasingly repetitive, recycling the same story lines over and over again.  McGuire does it again here, as a bad guy interrupts yet another Mary Janes' performance trying to get at Gwen.  But, the good news is that Man-Wolf is at least a different villain, injecting some much needed energy into this issue.  We don't yet know why he's targeting Gwen, other than his assertion that he's defeated all the city's heroes.  It seems like he's essentially offended Gwen thinks she could superhero in "his" city.  That said, the cop who helps Gwen ID Man-Wolf somewhat contradicts this claim, telling her that he appeared during her incarceration.  Did he really defeat everyone in the short time she was in prison?  Although the rhythm might be the same, at least the person playing the instrument is different.  I'm not sure I'm going to stick with this title when it's (once again) relaunched, but for now I'm at least glad that I have a reason to hang in there.

War of the Realms #5:  This issue is the point where it feels like this story spun beyond my ability to grasp.  Previously, the tie-in issues had been supporting the main title, so they weren't necessary to read to understand the main title's plot.  Although I've been reading many of the tie-in series, this issue is where I feel like you had to read specific tie-in issues to understand the developments here.  I had to re-read several issues just to assemble the rough timeline I put together here, and even then I'm still not sure that it's right.

Some leaps you can legimitately make on your own.  Last issue, most of the teams reconvened at Avengers Mountain, and it's clear that it's when they slammed the Boggle cube on the table to make new teams.  She-Hulk brought the dwarves from Nidavellir in issue #4; in this issue, they joined forces with Iron Man to become, awesomely, the War Machine Dwarves.  Meanwhile, She-Hulk is leading Daredevil, Deadpool, Iron Fist, and Luke Cage to take Australia from the Trolls.  But, even when you can make some leaps on your own, it isn't all necessarily clear.  For example, Jennifer has somehow gotten a hammer and Ulik calls her "Thunder-Hulk."  I assume that happened in a tie-in issue that I didn't read.

In some cases, you can make the leap, but it's still hard to follow.  Carol Danvers is a great example.  She led the War Avengers (Black Widow, Captain Britain, Deadpool, Sif, Venom, Weapon H, and the Winter Soldier) in the Battle of London in issue #3 and "War of the Realms:  Strike Force - The War Avengers" #1, but they seem to surrender in issue #3 when Malekith teleports Venom and himself...somewhere.  They resume the fight at the end of "War of the Realms:  Strikeforce - The War Avengers" #1, taking on dark elves at the Great Wall.  But, in issue #4, the Agents of Atlas have replaced the War Avengers in the fight with Carol at the Great Wall without explanation.  In issue #5, Captain Britain has re-appeared in London, found the Black Blade, and is now fighting alongside Captain America, while Carol has moved onto Shanghai with Hawkeye and Shang-Chi.  The Agents of Atlas are presumably somewhere.

In some instances, you just have to assume existing tie-in series end happily.  Last we saw him, Sir Ivory was unconscious in Africa after fighting Kurse in "Spider-Man and the League of the Realms" #2; in issue #5, he joins Queen Featherwine and the Punisher at the head of the Light Elf Rifle Brigade in Wakanda.  (It seems like the entire "Spider-Man and the League of the Realms" mini-series happens between issues #4 and #5, after Spider-Man returns from Jotunheim and the Punisher brings the Light Elves to Midgard.)  Balder and Thori were trying to save Balder's sister in "War of the Realms:  Journey into Mystery" #4, but now Balder is with Dr. Strange, Ghost Rider, and Spider-Man taking on the Enchantress in Montevideo and Thori is with Captains America and Britain in London.  (I guess Spider-Man hitched a ride from Africa.)  Kurse also apparently survived, because she's fighting the Destroyer somewhere.

In other words, the wheels come off the bus here as Aaron's ambition gets the better of him.  I get what he was trying to do, instill in us the magnitude of the battle.  He does accomplish that; it's awesome to see everyone fighting all over the place.  But, the plot gets lost in the shuffle of players across the chessboard, a point Carol herself made in "War of the Realms:  Strikeforce - The War Avengers" #1.  After all, Thor is the key here, but we barely get a sight of him.  I get the symmetry of Thor hanging himself from Yggdrasil like Odin did.  I just don't get why he does it.  Insight?  Did he really need insight to know that he has to take on Malekith?  I assumed that it was to reforge Mjolnir, but that didn't seem to happen.  I feel like we could've had fewer slugfests and a few more panels teasing out this very, very essential plot point.  Aaron has pushed this moment of "OK, time to wrap up this story" longer than most authors, so I'm not complaining too much.  But, it's time for the end to come, as it thankfully does next issue.

Also Read:  Black Cat #1; Marvel Team-Up #3; Star Wars:  Age of Rebellion - Luke Skywalker #1; Uncanny X-Men #19; War of the Realms:  Journey into Mystery #4

Not-Even-Remotely-New Comics: The May 29 Marvel Edition (HERE BE SPOILERS!)

Age of X-Men:  X-Tremists #4:  This issue ends in a riot, as Jubilee remembers that she has a son and Jean-Paul remembers that he has a husband.  Along the way, we're treated to Jean-Paul insulting Bobby's sweater and Bobby stripping off said sweater, asking Jean-Paul if he liked what he saw.  Twunk indeed, as Rictor says.  For his part, Rictor is running a theater where mutants can get busy, an homage to old-school X-rated theaters.  For the first time, Williams finally addresses the fact that the X-Tremists have two gay team members.  By adding Rictor and the theater, she makes the obvious parallel to a world where the LGBT community often has to hide their lives to this "Utopia" that X-Man made where no one can show affection.  Sucks, don't it, straight people?

Amazing Spider-Man #22:  To be honest, I felt like Spencer swerved here from the more interesting outcome.  Although I was pretty sure Peter wasn't going to fully buy into Kraven's exhortation that he becomes a killer, I thought that he would at least emerge shaken from understanding Kraven's point of view.

After all, Kraven makes a compelling point.  When Spidey appears to discover that the Lizard killed a series of guards on the way to save Billy, Kraven argues that the lives of mercenaries -- killers all -- pale in comparison to the lives of an innocent boy like Billy and the woman trying to protect him, the Black Cat.  Peter initially seems to be struggling with this argument.  But, Spencer takes an easier road, showing this confusion, if you will, to be the result of Kraven's "herbs and potions" and, in even more of a cop-out, revealing that Kraven himself killed the guards to set up the crisis of conscience that Peter would undergo.

Peter shakes off the drugs and beats Kraven, arguing that he doesn't kill so that his family doesn't have to kill?  I'm not really sure I follow that, to be honest.  I think that Peter is arguing that humanity is inherently kind, that we were meant to help each other not hunt each other.  But, he seems to be gliding over all those one-percenters gathered in that ballroom to do exactly that, isn't he?

In other words, Spencer is letting Peter have his Pollyanna-ism, something that we also saw in the "War of the Realms:  Strikeforce - Land of the Giants" one-shot and again in this week's "Spider-Man and the League of the Realms," where Peter doesn't want to kill Frost Giants like Logan does.  I'm not saying that I want a homicidal Spider-Man, but I feel like Spencer was at least pushing Peter's ethical boundaries here.  Dan Slott trod similar ground in his Massacre story arc, using Massacre to show how different Otto was from Peter, since he was willing to kill Massacre to stop his rampage.  Peter finding a way to stop Kraven without killing would've been a powerful statement.  Instead, the tension all fades with the herbs and potions and Peter just magically beats Kraven, something that he'd previously struggled to do.  To make matters worse, Kraven embraces Peter's point of view, seeing the humanity in him.  He sacrifices himself -- dressed in a black costume -- to give Peter time to escape, and Kraven's son kills him thinking that he's Peter.

I'm not saying the ending invalidates the strong story that Spencer told over the course of this event.  But, it is disappointing, because I feel like he could've pushed somewhat a little darker, but instead stayed in a safer place.  Oh, well.  As I said, all in all, I still enjoyed the event so I'll call that a win.

Star Wars:  Vader - Dark Visions #4:  First, like Diplo, Hopeless be everywhere.  But, given the caliber of this story, it's easy to see why.  Hopeless shows us an unnamed protagonist looking to avenge his smuggler father's death on Coruscant, a death he could've prevented as a young boy if he had taken the shot that his father had trained him to take.  The boy grows into a cocky young pilot whose audacity the Rebel command continually rewards.  Sounds familiar?  However, unlike Han, Leia, or Luke, this guy chokes at his big moment, unable to take the shot (again) to take out Darth Vader.  He flees to base, bringing Vader and a squadron of Tie Fighters with him.  After vomiting from fear, he's (again) forced to watch the consequences of what his inaction has caused.  Hopeless shows us a corner of the galaxy where pluck doesn't really get you anywhere, a corner that I'm sure would feel more familiar to the average Empire resident than Han, Leia, or Luke's.

War of the Realms:  War Scrolls #2:  This issue contains a lovely coda to Gillen's "Young Avenger" series, as Loki seeks forgiveness for siding with the bad guys from Billy Kaplan.  Beyond the beauty of getting to see an always-hot Teddy Altman, we also get to see him in context of an adult relationship with Billy.  They're apparently now living together, and they're over 21 years old as Billy believes that he's meeting "Kate" for brunch and mimosas.  But, since Loki can't just ask for forgiveness, "Kate" is Loki in disguise, trying to get Billy to forgive him without having to ask for it.  (His plans are foiled when Teddy sees Kate in Los Angeles on Instagram and texts Billy.  Get with the times, Loki.)  But, Billy gives Loki his forgiveness anyway, and he and Teddy mourn when they watch Laufey eat Loki later.  If I've ever been disappointed with Jason Aaron, it's because he seemed to ignore a lot of the work GIllen and then Ewing did with Loki.  It was a thrill to see this Loki again (and a sexy Teddy, obviously).

Also Read:  Marvel's Spider-Man:  City at War #3; Spider-Man and the League of the Realms #2; Thor #13

Not-Even-Remotely-New Comics: The May 29 Non-Marvel Edition (HERE BE SPOILERS!)

Doomsday Clock #10:  This issue is surprising in the sense that Johns lays all his cards on the table, which I didn't expect to happen until next issue.

We learn that Dr. Manhattan arrived in the DCU on April 18, 1938, the day that Superman appeared to the public.  He also meets Carver Colman on that day.  When Dr. Manhattan arrives, it's in an alley where Carver is sleeping; his grand plans to make it in Hollywood have definitively failed.  Dr. Manhattan subsequently meets with Carver every April 18 to tell him the events of his life for the next year.  I think Dr. Manhattan meets with Carver because he needs to focus on someone from this Universe to help him see its future.  This part isn't totally clear, though.  If I had to guess, Dr. Manhattan is also rewarding Carver for checking the pulse of the cop who struck him with a baton right before Dr. Manhattan arrived.  Dr. Manhattan's appearance knocked the cop unconscious, and he seemed impressed that Carver would show compassion to a man who hit him.

As the issue unfolds, Dr. Manhattan realizes that Superman's history keeps changing; at some point, he revisits April 18, 1938, and Superman isn't there.  Instead, Superman now appears in public for the first time in 1956.  Dr. Manhattan continues to observe the changes to the time stream as Superman's date of arrival is pushed farther and farther into the future.  Dr. Manhattan is intrigued as history shifts around Superman, noting the central role that Superman seems to play.  He begins to realize that, if someone alters Superman's history, s/he alters this Universe's history.  (He notes the Anti-Monitor and Extant have both done so.)  In so doing, Johns is telling the story of DC's constant ret-conning of its own history, and it's nothing short of brilliant.  Dr. Manhattan comes to the conclusion that the Multiverse reacts to this Universe, which he dubs the Metaverse.  Dr. Manhattan removes Alan Scott's access to his lantern to experiment on the Metaverse, which he realizes is always changing.  In so doing, he creates the Rebirth version of the DCnU.  But, Dr. Manhattan comes to realize that he's made a mistake.  When Wally West confronts him in the time stream, he realizes that the Metaverse is not passive; it takes steps to protect itself.  I'm not sure what that means for the series' eventual outcome, but it seems to be the key point, because it means Dr. Manhattan can't just do whatever he wants here.

In terms of Carver, the errata at the end of the issue reveals that his mother is the person who murders him.  He initially fled home after she found him kissing another boy, and she has been blackmailing him ever since.  Interestingly, his alter ego, Nathaniel Dusk, survives his encounter with death, as the errata also explains.  I'm still not sure where we're going with Carver, but the plot is definitely thickening.

The Wild Storm #23:  Man, DC really released all its mythology books this week.  This issue is surprisingly easy to follow, as Ellis continues to focus on the war between IO and Skywatch.  Bendix thinks that IO foiled his attack on Apollo and Midnighter, so he activates their triggers (as well as the Mayor's) to send them to New York to kill everything in sight.  Conversely, when Miles learns of the attacks, he orders the destruction of all of Skywatch's supply depots on Earth.  The Mayor is able to shake off the trigger due to the Doctor's conditioning, and she manages to free Apollo and Midnighter before they arrive in New York, thanks to Angie catching Apollo mid-flight.  They explain the situation to them, and Apollo (though surprisingly not Midnighter) sees that it's the other side of the same war; IO needs to exist to restrain Bendix and Skywatch.  Angie tries to get Marlowe to send in the Wild C.A.T.s, but he refuses, since it has nothing to do with his plans.  (I can see that.  A world without IO or Skywatch is probably easier for Halo.)  We'll see how it all converges next issue.

Also Read:  Detective Comics Annual #2; Transformers #6

Batman: Last Knight on Earth #1 (HERE BE SPOILERS!)

Scott Snyder has always been a genius at starting an epic story, and this issue is no different.  I'm hard pressed to think of a story that covers so much ground and functions on so many levels after just one (admittedly mega-sized) issue.  Let's break it down, shall we?

This issue consists of three separate stories.

In the opening sequence, Batman is intrigued when he realizes that someone has been drawing five-foot lines in chalk around Gotham for a little over a year.  But, he's disturbed when he realizes through satellite imagery that they form an outline of Batman, with his heart located right where his parents died in Crime Alley.  When he visits the scene, he finds a dead ten- or eleven-year-old boy posed like a prop on his knees under an umbrella.  As he investigates, Bruce is surprised when a mechanism on the boy's arm activates and fires a revolver at him.

We then move into the second story.  Bruce awakens in Arkham Asylum with someone who looks a lot like the Joker claiming that he's his psychiatrist. Dr. Redmund Hudd.  (Heh.  I only noticed the name in the second reading, I'm embarrassed to admit.)  Bruce has been in a delusional state since he (allegedly) murdered his parents, but a new drug that Wayne Enterprises developed has brought him back to reality.  ("Heliox" is the new dionesium.)  Alfred arrives to explain that Batman existed only in Bruce's deluded head.  In an interview room, he explains that Batman's rogues gallery is comprised of members of Arkham's staff and Bruce's skills come from his various therapies.  For example, he learned Mandarin at the library under the watchful eye of Thomas Elliott (get it?) and martial arts for Dr. Algol (GET IT?)

Snyder is possibly at his best here, as he makes you believe this story is the subject of the mini-series.  We're going to watch Bruce try to prove that Batman was real, like a reverse St. Elsewhere.  Alfred eventually shows Bruce that his "Batsuit" is just a shock-therapy cowl attached to a straight jacket.  Alfred reaches out his hand, begging Bruce to come home.  Bruce takes Alfred's hand and his eyes widen noticeably.  He takes the suit and bolts, making his way through Arkham's orderlies and guards as they try to restrain him.  On the roof, he demands to know why Alfred lied to him, and Alfred relents.  He tells him the truth.

However, Snyder doesn't rush his story.  Our only hint about the status quo is that Alfred tells Bruce that nothing exists outside the hospital.  Bruce realizes that such destructions means that he failed.  He asks Alfred to tell him what happened, but Alfred again beseeches him to just accept that he's Bruce Wayne now.  Bruce taps Alfred's face, and Alfred's digital mask fades, revealing a much older self.  We learn that, when Bruce took Alfred's hand in the interview room, he felt his pulse and realized that Alfred was older than he was acknowledging.  Alfred says that he hadn't yet perfect the device to correct that, because Bruce woke up two years early.  He explains Toyman constructed the fake Gotham, with Alfred acting all the parts, his masterpiece.  When Bruce asks why Alfred's old and Bruce isn't, Alfred tells him that he won't like the answer.  He asks for one last hug from his boy before he tells him the truth, because he knows that Bruce will leave after that.  This part wasn't particularly emotional for me in the moment, but reading it a second time -- knowing that Alfred isn't lying about the devastation outside "Arkham" -- it's devastating.  After all, Alfred is right -- Bruce leaves after he tells him the truth (off-panel, keeping us guessing).  Alfred gets his last hug, and it seems pretty clear that Alfred is going to commit suicide once Bruce leaves, his last grasp at some happiness denied him.

(The only part here that I didn't get was Alfred mentioned an "infection from a bat bite" when he describes the events that led Bruce to becoming Batman, like Joe Chill murdering his parents.  What?  Is Snyder implying Bruce has Spider-Man-like powers?)

The next moment is the series' iconic moment, with Batman (in the cobbled-together Arkham suit) emerging from the sand into a desert and discovering Joker's head in the lantern.  Snyder's Joker is hilarious, and I hope that we see more of him for the rest of the series.  (I loved when he pretended not to know that he didn't have a body.  Ha!)  Batman takes the Joker with him to Coast City, where he confronts a series of Green Lantern-created babies running wild.  Apparently Braniac leached Mogo, and Green Lantern rings rained from the sky for anyone to grab.  This entire sequence is kind of ridiculous, but it's fun due to the Joker constantly asking what he's missing after Bruce tucked him under his arm to flee the babies.  ("Do I hear babies?  I love babies!")  Bruce is saved when someone emerges from a mid-air door and grabs him.  I don't recognize her, but she's with Poison Ivy on patrol in an invisible tank.  We first learn of Omega here when the woman tells Bruce that he (Omega) has scouts -- like Bane and Scarecrow -- all over the place.  They take Bruce to Gemworld, and it's here where the truth emerges.

Diana is our narrator as we learn about the present.  As they walk through Gemworld, she tells Bruce about the status quo:  Earth's population has been reduced to the 100,000 or so people living below ground.  Before Bruce gets any ideas, Diana tells him that virtually no one is alive on the surface and the people who are alive up there wouldn't follow him.  She and the refugees are only safe in Gemworld because it refracts everything, even space-time, so Omega can't detect them.

Snyder and Capullo do a great job making this next sequence chilling.  As they arrive at the ruined remains of the Hall of Justice, Diana tells Bruce that it all started with a speech that Lex delivered in which he lamented that everything was falling apart:  the Earth is heating, the resources are gone, and the powerful are tightening their grasp.  According to Lex, the "powerful" want us all to play nicely so we "win" at the end.  Lex decried "goodness" as the oldest lie:  be good and stay in the garden rather than eat the apple and learn the truth.  Lex encouraged everyone to eat all the apples at once.  All Hell then broke loose.

Slowly but surely, everyday people begin to pick off the heroes and the scales start to tip.  Bruce encourages the Justice League to throw open the doors to the Halls of Justice, hoping that empowering the people will quell their outrage.  Instead, the crowd kills him immediately.  (Diana refers to Batman in the third-, not second-, person here, so we know that this Bruce isn't the ur-Bruce, explaining why he's so young.)  Luthor thinks that he's won, but, unfortunately for him, they turn on him and the villains, too.  (I'm not really sure what Lex thought would happen, since he was one of those elites with a vested interest in everyone playing nicely.)  But, it went from bad to worse when someone named Omega rises.  He has the Anti-Life Equation, and, even after the remaining heroes and villains band together, he destroys them and takes over the East Coast.  Diana then explains to Bruce that this already terrible situation is getting worse, as we learn that Omega has found a way to amplify the Anti-Life Equation where it'll reach even into Gemworld.

Appalled, Bruce encourages Diana to work with him to stop Omega.  We learn that he exists because Alfred convinced Diana to bring the machine that Bruce created to replicate himself to the desert.  Bruce sees this act as a sign that she has hope, but she tells him that it was a mercy to an old man.  Bruce encourages her to fight, and Diana is harsh:  she tells him that he died before the fighting even began.  It's here where you realize that she's been fighting this fight for twenty-something years:  Bruce's optimism has to be grating for her.  After all, she reveals that Omega is rumored to be one of Bruce's former disciples.  Jason?  Tim?  Damian?  All seem like potential candidates.  Bruce asks about Clark, and Diana dismisses rumors that he's alive and sulking in the "Fields of Solitude."  Diana saw him fall and, besides, she's scoured the Plains.  (If she looked even after seeing Clark fall, maybe Bruce isn't wrong that she has some hope?)

It all leads to the revelation that Diana is leading the remaining population into the Underworld to escape Omega's Anti-Life Equation.  (One of the most poignant moments is when she meekly tells him that Hades has promised her to give her a realm with some light.)  Bruce is apalled and adamant they do something to save the world.  The second moment of this issue (beyond Lex's speech) that rings particularly true to me is here, when Diana tells Bruce that the world up there doesn't want saving and maybe never did.  She encourages Bruce to come with them, to help protect the 100,000 good people who need heroes; he could be a new Batman for a new age.

Capullo's Bruce has always been the handsomest, and it's always fun to see that.  But, this handsomeness is...weaponized, for lack of a better term, in the next scene.  A bruised and battered boy approaches Bruce, who looks like an idealized 1940s college football player with a golden heart that shines through his baby-blue eyes.  If our America has a hero, it is someone who looks like Bruce, not Batman.  The boy asks Batman if he can see in the dark because he's a bat.  Bruce tells him bats navigate by echoes, and the boy informs Bruce that he's not supposed to make echoes down in Gemworld because they bother people.  Bruce laughs, and they make one together.  It's Bruce as a symbol of hope, but Snyder makes it such a feeble light in such an overwhelming darkness that you understand Diana and her desperate plight all the more.  The next morning, she's not surprised when he's gone.  I found myself hoping that Bruce is right and that she'd allow herself a shred of hope.

In other words, this issue is a tour de force of world-building.  Snyder builds one entirely compelling world -- the Arkham Asylum reality -- only to reveal that it's a front, hiding an entirely different one.  But, Snyder is often very good at this sort of thing.  It's sticking the landing that I often find is difficult for him, and I find myself hoping against hope that he manages it here, after such an amazing first issue.

Not-Even-Remotely-New Comics: The May 22 Edition (HERE BE SPOILERS!)

War of the Realms:  Journey into Mystery #3:  This series has gone from being an amusing tie-in series that you're pleased you don't hate to a bona fide team epic that I really don't want to end.

War of the Realms:  Uncanny X-Men #2:  It's sad that the actual "Uncanny X-Men" series is so bad at this point that I found myself truly understanding the potential that Rosenberg is squandering while reading this issue.  This series feels the way that series should.  Alex and, most importantly, Scott find themselves put in their respective places, serving as little more than mindless cannons to ensure the safety of the refugees whom the X-Men are assembling at Citi Field.  Karma is running the show, and it's the generational transition that I thought that Rosenberg was going to show us in the main title.  (I didn't expect for Scott to pass the torch to Karma without a fight, per se, but I at least thought that we'd see said fight.  Instead, the New Mutants in that title are all either dying or quitting.)  I'm not sure why Rosenberg seems to have a better grasp on the characters here than there, but I guess I have to take what I can get.

War of the Realms:  Strikeforce - The Land of Giants #1:  Oh, Buttercup.  (Sniff.)  You were a good horse.

X-Force #8:  I like this series, but for some reason this issue didn't sing to me in the same way that the other ones have.  Stryfe seems just completely unhinged here and as such makes overly convenient (in terms of the plot) mistakes.  For example, it's hard to believe that he'd so blithely order his telepaths to free Rachel of their hold simply so that they could redouble their control of the MLF to take out X-Force.  Moreover, Nate's descent into disintegration should be compelling, but for me it was lost among the chaos.  I feel like Brisson has to pull us together here.

Also Read:  Avengers #19; Detective Comics #1,004; Marvel Comics Presents #1-#5; Mr. and Mrs. X #11

Not-Even-Remotely-New Comics: The May 15 X-Edition (HERE BE SPOILERS!)

Age of X-Man:  The Marvelous X-Men #4:  I admit, I lost the plot here, though I can't really say that I care.  I feel like I've read the same issue of this series four times:  everyone marvels (heh) at how amazing Nate is, someone remembers a past love and tries to defect, Moneta is an asshole, and Nate tries to close the fractures in this reality.  Rinse and repeat.  The only dramatic tension in each issue is whether someone is going to remember the past, but we all know that they will, because again the cycle repeats.  We also still don't really have any idea how or why Nate created this reality despite arriving at the event's end.  What a mess.

Uncanny X-Men #18:  Honesty, this series is getting hard to read.  It might be easier if we didn't know that Jonathan Hickman was going to disregard the X-Men's history when he takes over the line, making everything happening here irrelevant.  (Yes, I know Marvel insists that he isn't going to do that.  But, Marvel also insisted that Peter Parker was dead and Otto Octavius was Spider-Man, so whatever.)

However, with that knowledge, it's impossible to take Rosenberg's cavalcade of death here seriously.  Chamber kills the Marauders despite them swearing that they didn't murder the Morlocks and then Harpoon murders Chamber.  [Yawn.]  Moreover, Rosenberg is screwing with everyone's powers in a way that the deaths overshadow.  Dani seems to have regained her mutant abilities, as she displays her previous ability to summon a psionically charged bow and arrow.  Alex also pushes himself to the limit in the fight with Sinister, phasing outside reality for reasons that no one understands.

The only positive development in this issue, to my mind, is Logan and Xi'an leaving the team because, in Xi'an words, they're just throwing themselves against walls hoping they fall.  Of course, the problem is that neither Logan nor Xi'an has any better ideas about how they can try to prevent the X-Men's old enemies from taking advantage of X-Man whisking away almost all the X-Men.  Oh, well.  It won't matter soon anyway.

Not-Even-Remotely-New Comics: The May 15 Non-X Edition (HERE BE SPOILERS!)

Amazing Spider-Man #21:  Holy shit, this issue and "Star Wars" #66 make for a fucking intense week.  Kraven eventually "rescues" Peter from the horde of Vermins, because they're just a prelude to his actual plan.  Said plan is a doozy:  to prove Peter is man enough to take on the Hunter, Kraven sets up Peter to rip out Curt Connors' inhibitor chip so the Lizard can, in turn, save Billy (and the Black Cat) from Kraven's son.  Yup.  To Kraven's mind, Peter is forced to sacrifice his "No One Dies" code (and, by extension, his view of himself as an uncompromising hero) to save Billy and Felicia.  I wouldn't necessarily see it that way, but Spencer make a compelling argument that Peter does, and Peter's opinion is obviously the only one that matters.  Moreover, on the road to this denouement, Curt and Billy reveal (to Peter and the Black Cat, respectively) that Billy remembers his dad eating him.  Oy.  As I said, intense.  "Hunted" has been cruising on auto-pilot since the Gibbon issue, but Spencer floors it at the right moment.  I can't wait to see how it ends.

Batman #71:  Reading an issue like this one, I always wonder how exactly it got to be this bad.  Yes, some people will continue to interpret (or, to my mind, confuse) King's obtuseness for genius, in the same way that I feel people interpret (or confuse) Hickman's obtuseness for genius.  But, this issue goes beyond just the question of whether obtuseness equals genius.  In both stories we see here, Bruce isn't Bruce.  In both stories, he's spouting phrases that it's impossible to see him saying in any form, from repeatedly telling Bane that he's going to break his "damn back" to busting into a hospital mumbling paranoid dribble about seeing the truth behind Bane.  King pretty clearly seems to be building to a reveal where we learn Bruce was right all along and Bane has been running Gotham in secret.  But, King has dragged out this story well, well, well beyond any point where I could care.  Taking into account that the Bat-family connects Bruce's current state of mind to Catwoman leaving him at the altar, King has functionally been telling this story for almost a year at this point.  But, nothing has happened.  Sure, maybe Bane, with the help of Bruce's father, is secretly running Gotham from Arkham and Bruce had to escape a machine designed to make him crazy to stop Bane.  Or, maybe Bruce has just been...staring at the wall imaging that for the better part of the last year?  Even if Bane is engaged in shenanigans, it's been 21 issues and we're not even close to confirming if he is, let alone to getting to the point where Bruce addresses it.  I almost literally feel robbed.

Guardians of the Galaxy #5:  This series has pleasantly surprised me from the start, but revealing that Thanos chose Eros, not Gamora, for his host was great.  First, it makes total sense from a biological standpoint:  as Hela says, it had to be a Titan.  But, it also makes sense from a characterization standpoint as well, as it's so...cruel.  Thanos delights in the fact that Eros thought himself to be a leader finally, assembling a team to do what it needed to do to save the galaxy from Thanos.  In the end, he just achieved Thanos' goal of distracting everyone so they couldn't see the truth right in front of them.  I'm used to this level of plotting from Aaron and Gillen, but it's nice to see someone like Cates throwing his hat into that ring.

Star Wars #66:  Gillen actually gives Trios redemption here, something that I didn't think possible.  She attempts to get Kanchar to end his aerial bombardment, but he refuses, committed to killing Leia even if it means killing Trios.  (He assumes another "pampered aristocrat" will take the throne, so it's no great loss to the Empire, to his mind.)  Trios realizes that she has no other option other than take out Leia and hopefully stop the assault, so she rushes Leia and her squad's position in the throne room.  She and Leia have a full-on sword fight, which Leia wins.  Trios calls Leia a monster at the start, and Gillen reminds us that she thinks Leia is trying to destroy Shu-Torun.  After Leia strikes the killing blow, she explains that she's only trying to disable the Spike.  Trios informs Leia that the plan has "gone awry."  Leia promises to stop the Partisans, something Han notes might be a tall order.  But, Trios' dying words are the best part here.  She tells Leia that she fought for Shu-Torun like Leia would've for Alderaan.  She curses the fact that she survived the attack on her family and laments that Shu-Torun may be destroyed because of her actions.  As she dies, she tells Leia that she believes her and apologizes for making Leia believe her.  It's sad.  Gillen makes us really feel the weight on Trios' shoulder this entire time, as she was forced to choose between a set of increasingly bad options.  The only good news for Trios as she dies is that she's leaving behind a pissed-off Leia committed to saving her planet.

Star Wars:  Tie Fighter #2:  This issue is interesting not because of anything its usual cast of characters does, but because of the issue's "villain."  Shadow Wing finds itself captive after it fails to protect the Star Destroyer that it was supposed to protect and squad leader Broosh surrenders to the assailants.  It turns out an Imperial officer, Admiral Gratloe, is running the outfit, hoping to operate a small mining operation outside the Imperials' notice.  It's not entirely an enthralling issue, particularly since Shadow Wing goes all do-gooder here, in the sense that they plan on re-claiming the operation for the Empire.  But, it does do something that we don't normally see, showing us the expanding chaos in the post-"Return of the Jedi" galaxy.  Gratloe just wants to get him some, and I find myself relieved that the Powers That Be in "Star Wars" Land finally show this type of story.  In all the galaxy, someone has to try to seize the moment.  We often only see this galaxy far, far away through the eyes of ideologically motivated protagonists.  But, I love watching a NPC operating on the margins and hope we get more issues like it.

War of the Realms #4:  I haven't really written about "War of the Realms" mostly because I continue to enjoy it.  Aaron hasn't really provided anything worth criticizing, but he also hasn't presented anything so amazing that I felt the need to comment.  It's just a really solid event.  

Aaron's plotting is above reproach, where he yet again manages to keep so many balls in the air while still giving each one its due.  Virtually every other event author at this point in the story has you confused and tired, usually because they're trying to incorporate events that happen in the various tie-in issues.  Not so here.  The tie-in issues flesh out the events here, sure.  But, honestly, you could really just read this mini-series and completely understand the events transpiring in it.  How often do we get that, huh?  Moreover, Aaron is funny as ever.  The dwarves' reactions to She-Hulk calling on them to help her smash were hilarious, from one of them saying that he had dust in the eye to another one complimenting her on her motivational speaking.  Thori is also great, as always, and Spider-Man continues to have such on-the-nose one-liners that I'd love for Aaron to write him one day.  Dauterman is also, as always, on fire.  The Iron Odin suit?  Amazing.  As Ghost Rider said, it's all very metal.

The only criticism I could find is that Aaron doesn't have a ton of space for emotional beats.  Aaron has spent months, if not years, showing us the virtually non-existent relationship between Odin and Freyja.  Here, Odin appearing to help her at her final stand on the Black Bifrost may have her claiming he finally "turned her on" for the first time ever, but it's rushed.  If Aaron had more time, I could imagine him using flashbacks to remind us where we've been with these two, building to this rapprochement, instead of just hurling it at us to give us (presumably) the requisite event deaths.  Again, it isn't a hideously off-note; it's just a note that I wish Aaron had more time to hit.  It's a minor complaint for an otherwise great event, but there it is.

Also Read:  Nightwing #60; Spider-Man and the League of the Realms #1; Star Wars:  Age of Rebellion - Lando Calrissian #1; Transformers #5; War of the Realms:  Strikeforce - The War Avengers #1

Not-Even-Remotely-New Comics: The May 8 Edition (HERE BE SPOILERS!)

Detective Comics #1,003:  Given the state of affairs in "Batman," this series is pretty much the only coherent Batman series.  After a somewhat rough start, Tomasi finds his footing here.  First, he doesn't drag out the mystery of the Arkham Knight's identity too long:  as Batman and Robin arrive at Arkham, we learn that she's Jeremiah Arkham's daughter.  If she isn't going to be Jason Todd per the video game, Tomasi at least makes her connection to "Arkham" make sense.  That said, her grand plan still doesn't make any sense to me:  she's fixated on the "eclipse" that she's going to bring to Gotham to blot out Batman's shadow.  But, Tomasi has plenty of time to tease out her motivations.  Right now I'm just glad to be reading a Batman story with characters engaging in dialogue and not just quoting non sequitur lines of poetry.

Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man #6:  This issue is an ode to "Amazing Spider-Man" #246, or "The Kid Who Collects Spider-Man," and a fitting one at that.  Taylor reimagines the story for the current era, where Spider-Man would've worked with the parents of a kid dying of cancer to create an entire adventure for him.  It's the sort of story that Taylor (and Zdarksy before him on "Spectacular Spider-Man") has been delivering for a while and exactly the sort of story that we've been missing in "Amazing Spider-Man" for a long time.  Although it might lack the punch of "Amazing Spider-Man" #246, I'm thrilled to see Taylor swinging for the fences.

Invaders #5:  Zdarsky continues to tell a tight story here.  We learn that Roman was positioned at the base not to prevent the U.S. Navy from launching missiles, but to launch them, so Namor could justify his strike.  Cap sends the Avengers to Atlantis, but Namor outsmarts him by hiding the missiles right off the U.S. coast.  You don't often expect to see the bad guy win here, but he does, as we see a series of bombs successfully explode.  Next issue, we'll see what they wrought.  Also, Zdarsky assures us that Bucky isn't, in fact, an idiot, as we learn that he put blanks in his gun.  In other words, Zdarsky really keeps you guessing, which is impressive given the fact that he's dealing with 70-year-old characters.

X-Force #7:  This series continues to be well plotted and scripted, though I feel like we're just re-treading ground that we covered in the '90s.  That said, my only real complaint is that Brisson throws "the Zoo Family" and "the Circle" at us here without any real explanation.  It's hard enough to keep all the various factions in the Transian war in the present and Askani war in the future straight without more players getting randomly added.  Cannonball and Shatterstar steal some sort of ion engine that Deathlok needs to activate the time portal that Stryfe left behind.  They seem to steal it from the Zoo Family, but the Circle also claims it?  I don't know.  I feel like they could've just stolen it from some random thugs without fan-wanking the three people who might recognize either team.  Overall, we're solid, but I'm still not sure how much longer I'm going to hang in here.

Also Read:  Captain America #10; Conan the Barbarian #6; War of the Realms:  Journey into Mystery #2

Not-Even-Remotely-New Comics: The May 1 Edition (HERE BE SPOILERS!)

Age of X-Man:  Prisoner X #3:  One of the major questions -- actually, the major question -- running through this event is who, exactly, is pulling the strings behind the scenes.  Who dispatches Fred and the X-Tremists on missions?  Who gives orders to Force and the Danger Room?  We've always assumed that it was X-Man, but, given Bishop's conversation with Legion in this issue, maybe it's Legion?  Wouldn't that be a twist?  At the very least, this series has kept this mystery at its core unlike the other series, which continue to get lost in attempts to make it seem like it's all really the new status quo and isn't going to be undone in a month or so.

Batman #70:  I feel like I'm waiting for someone to give me permission to stop reading this series.  I mean, I just cannot fucking take another non sequitur poem.  Amazingly, King plummets even lower here, employing the most boring cliché of all Batman stories:  the assault on Arkham.  Bruce finally awakens here, and he makes a mad dash through Arkham, laughing at Bane thinking his nightmare experience has broken him.  King uses an off-panel conversation between Bane and the Ventriloquist to show that Bruce is doing exactly what Bane wants him to do, and the hysterical tinge of Bruce's voice implies that he might not be as with it as he thinks that he is.  But, it still doesn't mean that it isn't ridiculous that Bruce is able to defeat the Riddler, Killer Croc, Hush, Zsazz, Man-Bat, the Flamingo, Mr. Freeze, Scarecrow, Amygdala, Solomon Grundy, Two-Face, and several other characters whom I didn't recognize in one fell run.  It's clear that he barely even works up a sweat.  Why read a Batman comic if he's so powerful?  He's essentially Superman here.  The worst part is that we're nowhere near close to the final confrontation with Bane and Thomas Wayne, making you wonder just how long King is going to leave us hanging here.  [Sigh.]  This whole experience feels like penance, though I'm not sure what my sin was.

Star Wars #65:  The exciting part of this arc is that Gillen continues to surprise us with how badly Leia's plan is going.  At the start, it seemed like she and the guys were just going to waltz through Shu-Torun with ease.  Sure, the SCAR Squadron guys might get off Hubin and arrive at the last minute to make matters interesting, but it seemed beyond a doubt that Leia was going to get her revenge (no matter how much she claimed that she wasn't trying to get revenge).  But, Gillen is making it a lot more difficult than it usually is for heroes.  Trios decides to jeopardize the lives of everyone stuck in the auditorium with her in order to allow her and her elite guard to break free.  Sure, she possibly condemned Shu-Torun's nobility to a fiery, painful death, but she understands that Leia is playing for keeps.  (In fact, she intuitively understands it better than Leia does, since the Partisans' attempt to destroy Shu-Torun is something Leia missed entirely as a possibility.)  Moreover, SCAR Squadron gets in touch with the Empire more quickly than I thought it would, resulting in Commander Kanchar bringing his ship to Shu-Torun for his version of fun.  I can actually see a scenario where Leia and Trios have to work together to save Shu-Torun from the Partisans, a possibility that just shows how complex of a tale Gillen is weaving here.

Uncanny X-Men #17:  I don't understand how this issue goes so completely off the rails so quickly.  Sure, this series has occasionally had some dips in the quality of its dialogue, but Rosenberg has generally been pretty good about the consistency of his characterization.  But, everything goes out the window here.

First, we're supposed to believe that four frat boys beat Rahne to death because Rahne didn't fight back.  I'm sorry, what?  Rosenberg portrays Rahne as suicidal in her refusal to use her powers after she initially attacks one of the boys in a rage.  Rosenberg seems to want us to ignore the fact that Rahne has been in this game since she was a pre-teen.  We're supposed to believe that she can't control her powers enough to safely put down four frat boys?  Also, these frat boys are clearly sociopaths because when Wolverine finds them (with the help of Kwannon) they're just playing video games.  Really?  They just blithely kill a girl and decide, cool, let's go play "Fortnite?"

Then, we've got Karma reciting this ridiculous list of dead X-Men at Rahne's funeral, as if anyone really believes they're dead?  Given the X-Men's history, almost all of the X-Men inexplicably disappeared and no one even paused to consider if there is more than meets the eye here?  We're really just supposed to believe that they all believe all their friends are dead?  Shouldn't they be a little more despondent?  Shouldn't they just be drinking whiskey and crying all the time?  

Then, we've got Scott so mad at Logan for skipping Rahne's funeral that he unilaterally evicts him from the team even though, as Logan himself notes, he's not the team leader anymore.  They're a democracy.  Also, it's not like Scott was really "there" for the team as he claims that Logan should've been.  He starts the service by announcing that the doesn't know what he should say and just turns over the podium to anyone who wants to say something.  Inspiring leadership, Scotty.  

Then, we've got Logan being all inexplicably emotional, saying that he and Scott keep sending kids to die.  Again, Rahne was a grown-ass woman.  If anything, Logan not stopping her from leaving the team was probably a good decision in terms of her safety, since she had a better chance of surviving when she wasn't getting hunted as a member of an outcast mutant outfit.  How was he to know she'd go all suicidal?

Honestly, this issue is just the fucking worst.

Also Read:  Amazing Spider-Man #20.HU; Marvel Team-Up #2; Spider-Gwen:  Ghost Spider #8; Star Wars:  Age of Rebellion - Han Solo #1; Transformers #4; War of the Realms #3; War of the Realms:  Strikeforce - The Dark Elf Realm #1

Not-Even-Remotely-New Comics: The April 24 Edition (HERE BE SPOILERS!)

Age of X-Man:  X-Tremists #3:  I officially have no idea what's happening in this series.  First, everyone speaks in some sort of literary tense; it's like reading 18th century French literature written in the passé simple.  Moreover, everyone seems to have their own delusions.  For example, we have Moneta believing in an Emmanuel Goldstein-esque Resistance and Blob somehow not realizing people hated Department X.  (Yes, Blob, they all loved you for erasing their memories of the people they loved.)  Betsy tells Blob about how happy she is that they put the "old ways" behind them, because she used to have an eating disorder and hated her body.  (I guess she doesn't hate it now that she doesn't love anyone?)  Also, everyone apparently no longer believes in the mission except Moneta, but no one actually says that.  Again, like Fred, they seem not entirely clear on what their mission is?  Honestly, I have no idea.

War of the Realms:  Uncanny X-Men #1:  This issue is truly excellent, definitely the best issue of "War of the Realms" to date.  Rosenberg does a number of clever things here.  First, he follows the formula of all good tie-in issues by not completely ignoring the team's  existing storyline.  When Dani gets Odin's call to assist the Valkyries (as seen in "War of the Realms" #2), she and the X-Men are fighting Nanny and the Orphan-Maker.  Moreover, the team's banter and challenges are even more on display here than they usually are in the main title.  Alex is the annoying little brother challenging his older brother, the New Mutants are a separate unit more dedicated to each other than the larger team, and Madrox is...Madrox.  Finally, Rosenberg wisely puts the X-Men on the sidelines of the action.  When they arrive in New York, it has already fallen:  Dr. Strange has evacuated the city's population, and Frost Giants and dark elves are just wandering the streets.  Rather than trying to insert the X-Men between panels of the main series, Rosenberg uses the team to show us the aftermath of the Battle of New York.  He really leans into the banter and challenges here as he has everything descend further into chaos:  Wolfsbane and one of Jamie's dupes fall down a hole, and Magik answers Cyclops' call to get reinforcements but can only find a full-snark Hope and a still-dead Banshee.  The remaining members of the party unwisely split -- Hope takes Chamber to find Wolfsbane and the dupe while Scott and company find a devastated Dani looking at the bodies of her fellow Valkyries.  Something about the nature of a tie-in issue really let Rosenberg spread his wings, and I look forward to seeing where the story goes.

The Wild Storm #22:  My concern at this point is that Ellis has done such an amazing job throughout this series of keeping all the plates spinning in the air that we're approaching the moment when they're all just fall to the floor.  He focuses simply on two stories in this issue, which seems unbelievable given how many threats we have out there.

First, Marc Slayton attempts to kill Jackie, but the "Battalion Device" that she swiped from IO protects her, disintegrating Slayton.  Jackie exposits that Angie was right:  the device is both scary and completely invisible to scanners, a point Elis and Davis-Hunt emphasized by opening the issue with Jackie getting scanned without incident while exiting the building.

But, we quickly move to the empty village in the middle of Utah, where Apollo and Midnight are awaiting the Skywatch ships after their shenanigans last issue.  Jenny and company arrive after the Doctor felt the ships "drop" toward the planet; Angie was able to see into Jenny's mind and triangulate the ships' destination.  Midnighter is understandably suspicious that they're Skywatch, given their use of teleportation.  Jack introduces himself as a scrambled Skywatch experiment, but Midnight isn't convinced.  Jenny then pledges to help them to prove their worth.  When Apollo asks why, she rather convincingly responds that they've all lost or escaped people who know what Earth is really like and that they're the last people left to save the Earth.  The combined team makes pretty quick work of the impressive-looking Skywatch ships, mostly due to Apollo and Jenny, who turn into a gigantic energy-being of some sort.

It's all totally fine.  But, with only two issues left, I find myself wondering about Voodoo, who we saw in the background of the first few issues but haven't seen since.  We also haven't seen Zealot or Marlowe and the Wild C.A.T.s in a long time.  It's starting to feel like Ellis' careful planning wasn't so careful.  Then again, I also know the 24-issues framework is a lie, as two mini-series follow this one.  In other words, I can be patient, but I also hope that patience is rewarded and this series maintains the high level of excellence we've enjoyed so far.

Also Read:  Amazing Spider-Man #20; Detective Comics #1,002; Mr. and Mrs. X #10; Star Wars:  Vader - Dark Visions #3

Not-Even-Remotely-New Comics: The April 17 "War of the Realms" Marvel Edition (HERE BE SPOILERS!)

I'm back.  Yes, I'm aware that this event happened almost exactly a year ago.  I also became a parent almost exactly a year ago, explaining why I'm a little...late in posting.  But, I figured why not get back on the horse where it threw me, right?

(Marvel didn't publish these issues in the same order as the reading checklist in the back of "War of the Realms" #1 shows them.  I'm presenting them here in the recommended order, even though they're not all strictly "April 17" issues.)

War of the Realms #2:  I don't have much to say here because Aaron is an expert at delivering this sort of pitched battle; I don't think anyone else does it remotely as well.  Only the opening issue of "Age of Ultron" comes close in my mind to using so many characters so effectively to convey the increasing sense of desperation and then doom that falls over the heroes as they struggle against Malekith's horde.  Aaron's characterization is stellar, from small moments (like Wolverine's "Good catching up" quip to the Punisher after Frank simply states that he's "reloaded") to larger ones (like Jane's persistent need to find Malekith to hand him his head).  No one acts against character just to advance the plot, as we often see in these events.  When Dr. Strange inadvertently evacuates everyone to Avengers Mountain, you feel the heroes' overwhelming sense of confusion, as they want to return to battle but also realize that they can't win in a head-on conflict.  (Also, how often does someone make a mistake in these events?  That alone was a breath of fresh air.)  Aaron then does a great job setting the stage for the four different quests the Avengers and their allies begin:  rescuing Thor from Jotunheim, destroying the Black Bifrost in Svartalfheim, taking out Roxxon so T'Challa can essentially reboot the internet, and defending Earth.  Aaron is pulling in every thread of his years-long run on the various Thor titles, and it's a wonderful tapestry to behold.  By the time Malekith murders Valkyrie, you begin to believe the scroll, that the time of gods and Valhalla has ended.  I am very excited about this event.

Thor #12:  Aaron cleverly uses "A Christmas Carol" as inspiration here, forcing Loki to confront his various selves -- past, present, and future -- as he dissolves in Laufey's stomach.  Loki is forced to confront his long (and persistent) history of evil, from allowing Eldred, his mentor in magic, to starve to death in the prison where Loki first met him to facing Kid Loki's accusation that maybe poisoning his mother wasn't the best way to prove that he wasn't evil.  In the latter case, Loki insists that he was doing it to save her, but he has a much harder time justifying his evolution into Loki the Necrogod.  Perhaps mostly notably, for fans of Loki's "Young Avengers" and "Loki:  Agent of Asgard" arcs, I think Aaron finally acknowledges Loki's attempt to become the God of Stories here.  I've been waiting a long time for that moment, and Aaron doesn't disappoint.  In the past, Aaron has seemed to ignore Loki's evolution in those series, but here he more or less confirms that people continue to misunderstand Loki.  But, importantly, Aaron also has Loki embrace the "truth" underlying that misunderstanding, his desire not to be a villain.  To that end, he seems to accept his death in Laufey's stomach in order to prevent his evolution into the Necrogod.  I don't think that it'll stick, to be honest.  But, again, it's nice to see Aaron not using Loki as simply a useful tool of evil, instead forcing Loki to confront the fact that maybe all his scheming with Malekith didn't work out exactly the way that he hoped.

Avengers #18:  This issue is...weird.  We learn Agent Coulson has made some sort of deal with Mephisto not only to return to life but also to exert control over the Squadron Supreme.  He controls them absolutely, convincing them that they've been guarding the United States for years.  I'm not sure if Coulson's heel turn has been covered in a S.H.I.E.L.D. series, but I'll say that it's jarring to see him this way.  Aaron does a good job tying the team's debut to the War of the Realms, as they help fend off a Frost Giant attack on Washington, DC.  In that way, it's a solid tie-in issue, using the event to advance an ongoing plot line (even if it's one at which Aaron has only hinted previously).  But, I have to admit that it feels like a little too much, a development that the already ambitious "War of the Realms" story could've managed not to include.

Also Read:  War of the Realms:  Journey into Mystery #1; War of the Realms:  War Scrolls #1